Photobucket had recently made a very dick move by disabling all third-party embedded pics unless I pay $399. I've been blogging for 13 years and have 2000+ embedded pics across 650+ blog posts, which are now all unviewable. I'm working on moving my images to a new host, so until then, please do bear with me if you cannot view any images on my older blog posts.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Chp 10. Confessions

Ironic huh. This is my first blog of the year and probably the last of my life here in IIM. It took me a lot of courage to put this up on writing. But I guess that’s my only way of relieving myself from this tormented world that I currently know. Recently for the past one month, I’ve been thinking… and by thinking, I mean really thinking.

If a cat is hungry, will it eat the mouse? Just because other cats are eating mice, should he just eat it too? What if he doesn’t like the mouse… what if he knows other ways of satisfying his hunger, like leftovers from the family table or cereals… But since everybody is eating mice, should he also jump into the band wagon too? Well, suppose the cat is already in the pack, running around, eating mice, and still finds no satisfaction in doing it, shall he continue doing it, or leave the pack? What will the other cats think of him? Branded a loser? A drop-out? A quitter?

And suppose there’s a new element in the picture. Enter a dog. Now the dog calls all the cats and says, “this cat who doesn’t like eating mice, he’s not fit enough to be in our pack. So I hereby officially kick him out”. Then what has that cat become? Well, he’s not a loser or a dropout anymore, but he became a failure.

So our cat turned around silently and left the group. He walks outside and the cold air hits him. It is dark and chilly outside. He has never been alone before. All these time, the cat has always been in the company of frens. He realized he has been doing everything with them all thru-out his life. But this time, it is just him alone. He walks up the dark alley, whose only source of light is the flickering street lamp, his only companion is his shadow that changes its size as he approach the next street lamp. He smiles when his shadow becomes big, but when it become small, it reminds him of what he is and this makes him even sadder.

He thinks and thinks. Which is better, the lesser of the two evil. Being a failure or a quitter. And finally he realize. Being a failure is better no doubt. By failing, you learn, but by quitting, you are haunted forever for the rest of your life.

I decided a couple of days ago to leave this prestigious institute called IIM because I did not perform well in my acads. I really screwed up my exams. I told only my really close frens here about my decision to leave. Amra, Amol, Tommy, Monu, Ankita… and I could not go on after that. The reaction I got from them was… how do I explain it… painful. Hence Garuda, Rajeev, Pankaj, Nikhil Kumar, Iyer, Ezzy, Nike, and all the really really close frens that I have found after coming here, plz forgive me for not telling u all about this…. You guys have no idea how painful it is for me to tell u all these…

The first person I told about this was Amra. It was right after my mid-terms. I slogged my ass off for this subject called MPPO, and I was even teaching some of my frens about the fundae and stuff. Wrote my mid-term exams very confidently. And when the results came out, guess what? I got the lowest in class. Even all the guys I taught got more than me. Getting below average I can digest. But not getting the lowest, when I studied so much for it. Is there any point in pursuing something that you are just not capable of? So I told Amra I am planning to quit. She thought I was joking. But when she found out I was dead serious…. well… it was an awkward moment. That’s why I couldn’t tell Amol or any of my really close frens here.

It was only on 31st December after our MPPO final exam that I broke the news to Amol, Monu, Tommy and Ankita. I screwed up for the exam and told them that I might be leaving… Monu and Tommy were very supportive. They told me if I really feel I do not see myself as an MBA, then I should do what I feel is best. Ankita, well, she was totally shocked. She didn’t even say anything… just kept quiet when I told her I won’t be here when she comes back from the semester hols. The atmosphere was indeed tense. It was like a funeral. Yes. It does seem like a funeral. Me died.

Amol. Well, he didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to say anything. I could feel what he wanted to say and that’s all that matters. Amol, my closest buddy since coming here to IIM. Like normal average guys, we changed the topic and didn’t say anything about it again.

I just wanted to get out of this place before the results came out. I told my parents that I screwed up my exams and I might get kicked out. My parents were so supportive! My dad immediately said he never liked the fact that I got into IIM in the first place actually coz he wanted me to learnt the mizo culture and family business and stuff. I am the youngest and only son in my family and according to our tradition I am supposed to inherit everything. The main house, the offices, the farm, the two schools we own etc etc… and I have no idea how to run all these and especially no clue about the mizo culture bcoz I’ve been away from home for so long. So he wants me to come back and start a new life back home.

But he told me to wait for the results and hold my head up high if indeed I am asked to leave. I should not run away, that’s what he told me. That’s also what my sisters told me, and that’s what all my close frens told me. My frens said they will kill me if I am not there in the campus when they come back from the semester hols. Results will be out in another 10 days or so from now. The thing is, I didn’t want my entire classmates to be there when the PGP Office tells me to leave. Its kinda embarrassing.

It was then that I did more thinking. I even talked to a couple of professors I know really well. They all said the same thing. Don’t run away. Face your destiny like a man. Especially Anjana Vivek, our Fin Acc prof. She told me that marks are just one dimension of measuring a person’s capabilities, and that she has noticed a lot of potential within me, especially when she saw me giving a presentation. And so, on the last day of the 2nd semester, when all my frens were happy about going home, oblivious of the fact that I was undergoing a severe stressful decision, I decided to wait for the results and let fate play its own card. Amol and Monu quickly handed me their car keys for the holidays! Even though it looks like they gave me their car keys just bcoz I am their close fren, I do suspect that they gave it to me so that I won’t vacate this place while they are not here! :-)

Just day before yesterday I went to meet our PGP chair-person Mr.Jishnu Hazra. He was a bit busy so I was waiting infront of his office. The path to his office over-look a constructed building, probably a new faculty wing. And as I stare at the construction, I could so depict my life there. Will these walls which are being constructed become a wall for one of the great faculties or just a wall for a bathroom? Is this how my life is going to be? Uncertain? I am still in the process of being trained and groomed for the cruel cruel world out there. Just what type of building is going to be constructed out of the foundation laid is still a suspense.

I guess one of the fact that is responsible for making me what I am today is the fact that I am a spoilt-brat. Ofcourse I don’t sulk anymore to get what I want, but being the apple of daddy and mummy’s eyes, and being the pampered loving only brother of my three elder sisters, I really got used to getting things the way I want. Need money? Call dad. Money is there in a few days. Got into trouble? Call sisters. They solve it for me.

But this is my life. Sooner or later I will have to do things by myself. Dad told me its high time I get to know about the family business and also about our culture. I have no idea about the mizo culture. I hate mizo food, I don’t feel comfortable taking in mizo. But this is what I am and this is what I must know. All those nightmares about identity crisis comes back to haunt you in multi-folds.

I told my parents that I might get kicked out. I never told them that MBA might not be the right thing for me and that I might quit. I dunno how they will react if I tell them that, Coz I do not see myself working in an Investment company 3 years from now. I do not see myself working in a consultancy. I love designing. And anything that has to do with pure creativity. Marketing? Hmm… maybe. Advertising? I’d love to do that. But what about the long-term perspective? Mizoram? My home? My family? My childhood memories? Where do they all fit in? They are like two sides of a coin. Its either heads or tails. The coin will never land vertically.

It is on times like this that I really envy my frens. They work hard to build a stable future. And they can easily fit into any such future they are building. But me? No. I am only just becoming more and more confused every passing day. I have come across all these conflicting issues before but I guess I turned a blind eye to it. It was only when my ex girlfren told me that her parents will never accept me bcoz of the fact that I am a chinky, that I realized how reservations and all those other bull-shits do not help us at all.

I guess this is all I have to say for now…………….

10 comments:

The Agony Aunt said...

Sometimes it is good to be confused, it means you’re thinking.
Sometimes it feels good to indulge in self-pity, but don’t humour that feeling, it tends to be a waste of time.
It’s good to have a dream, after all where your heart is there your treasure lies.
Chin up, be brave, you’ll land on your feet…just remember, this is only a storm and like all things, it will pass in time...may not feel like it now, but it will pass.

Anonymous said...

Maybe there are others as confused as you are. Maybe they are just giving it their best shot and seeing what they can make out of it. Not everyone in the IIM knows what they want. And not everyone fits into an IIM either. That doesnt mean you dont try and it doesnt mean you give up.If you leave before receiving any news from the PGP Office, you would never forgive yourself for being a 'quitter'. If news from the PGP Office is bad, you would know that you atleast tried. And even in an IIM, life isnt just about acads and jobs.Remember, maybe 10yrs down the line, you will look back at this place and realise that the greatest 'valu-add' you got from this place are the friends you made here.
And smile Kima...

Anonymous said...

Hi Kima,

Your situation reminds me of my dilemma (although it was on a much smaller scale than yours)I had about 2 years ago. I had finished my BE mechanical and I realised that all my interests lie in creative stuff like communications and advertising and there is no way I will be a software programmer or work for a core mechanical company. It seemed hopeless at first-sight.

But not so, where there is will there is a way.

I will not bore you with my long story but here is one thing I realised. Just stick to what is more important to you in life. What makes you really happy in life
(and finding out what makes u really happy is quite challenging but equally rewarding).

Another lesson I learnt is that there is always a way.

You may actually find a way to get in touch with your roots and at the same time do what you enjoy.

But right now, just hang on there man, until the exams are over. Then, once you are free you can introspect and decide.

It takes a lot of guts to be different and thats what separates the real people from all the sheep who follow others blindly. I am glad to know that you have the guts to follow your dreams.

Now I am working as a techinical writer. It has both the elements of communication as well as needs the engineering knowledge that I acquired.

I also get to pursue my passion of photography on the two offs per week that I get.

So I am having the best of both worlds I guess.

I wouldn't call myself successful for I know there is so much more to learn and do. I am sure you too will find a way. In the meanwhile you can try reading "Awaken the Giant Within" by Anthony Robbins. It may help you find the answers to your questions if any.

A lot of people were thinking I am making a fool of myself when I was among the English faculty of an MBA entrance institute for a while. But that is what got me this job that I have now.

Another point u have to consider is this: when I was in my previous job I saw how people struggle (tens of thousands of them) to get a seat like the one in IIM B'lore. So you are already a winner. You are already in a place that most people could only dream of...

Regards,

Vikas

PS: I came to ur page through Orkut...

Anonymous said...

It's not the end of the world. Don't worry too much. I agree with Anjana Vivek. You're a helluva dude.
-(allen)

Anonymous said...

sometimes small defeats like these are a stepping stone towards GRAND Victories .. Have gone thr' ur blogs .. u definitely possess an "attitude" ..Just live with it ..

Mann
P.S. : Few Random clicks n' I m here on ur blog ..don't remember the sequence now ;)

illusionaire said...

Thanx Anonymous :)

although i wish u would leave comments on my more recent posts... :D

but what the heck, any comment is a positive sign :)

Bladewidth said...

Hey Dude,

Googled on your prof and i reached onto this page ....
and i jus couldnt believe for a second that you actually had the heart to blurt it all out.
At the end of it all..What really counts is what make YOU happy and content.
I could understand that it would take sometime for you to readjust to the non-MBA reality but then what the heck, you are free to pursue the things that you really care about.
Afterall MBA is something which is there for a niche career and if it doesnt really charge you then you need to look elsewhere.

Goodluck and hope to see you kicking butt soon !

J

Allen said...

Really worthwhile data, much thanks for the post.
online strategy war games | dentists in north vancouver | remove popcorn ceiling

Quentin said...

In my opinion everybody must go through it.
my flash games | no time limits games | pc game now | download games | pc games

Anonymous said...

Wow, there is a lot of effective info in this post!
good 3 | superb 9 | also 7 do not forget 1 | check here | also 3 do not forget site | look 8