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Monday, May 15, 2006

Chp 68. Pain!

Angels in black descended from the dark skies. The death knell is rung in a distance, a low monotone of life slowly being squeezed out…

All I feel now is deep excruciating pain. A remorse of the deepest degree. Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred burns. All senses within me are dead numb. The very last piece of emotion left within me shattered into a million pieces.

Love? Haha it is only the foolish who falls in love, and I, had the honour of sitting on its throne. How can emotions grow so strong that everything I do is now affected by it? Nauseas. Lose of appetite. Insomnia. Lose of all senses around me. Everything in slow-motion, spinning around me slowly, like the endless twirl of a bad marijuana trip. Now and then I had to take a deep breath and pinch myself, just to see if this is all but a bad dream. A nightmare personified.

Pain seems to be lurking in every corner. Everything that I do or see or hear – all I feel now is pain. The pictures of us together, the songs that we both used to love, the memories of the great time I had with her… all filled with pain now. A pain that just doesn’t seem to go away no matter how hard I try to erase from my mind.

You play with fire, you get burnt. I fell in love and now my soul is consumed in flames. All the fires of Hell are nothing compared to this fire raging within me.

I promised our closest common friends that I will not write about what happened the past few days on my blog. But I just cannot let things locked up forever like this... it’s eating me alive slowly, worse than cancer, killing the very essence of hope within me. I need an outlet. I need to take it all out from my system, otherwise I don’t think I can go another day living like this. Ofcourse I will spare the complete details. That is something personal and just because we are no longer together doesn’t mean I have the right to break the trust that we once had. No matter how much pain she has brought upon me, I will always respect her and… care for her.

Looking at my blog pains me even more. I’ve written about how I first met her, how I started falling in love with her, how she had come into my life and changed everything, how much I miss her, her birthday, the names that we might give to our children… every chapter about her is now a chapter of agony. But all these also made me realize one thing, that it is indeed better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Atleast she gave me the best couple of months that I had ever known. For the short time that she was mine and I was hers, I got a taste of what Heaven actually feels like.

I guess sometimes, things never turn out the way one expects. No matter how sure you think things are, it can always blow up right in your face. I was warned by my closest friends not to get a tattoo of her name on my arm. But even though I knew the uncertainty of any relationship, I was willing to take that risk. Because, speaking to her everyday and spending time with her, I knew deep inside that she was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nobody has been able to make me this happy and complete in my entire life. Unfortunately, this feeling was not reciprocated. There was this great dream I always had. That one day, when I am old and retired, I would imagine myself sitting by the fireplace on my rocking chair surrounded by my grandchildren. And they would ask “Granpa granpa, please show us your tattoo again” and I would gladly roll up my sleeve and show them my wrinkled arm with a faded “Eve” still on it. And they would go “wow… that’s granma!” And I would once again tell them the story about the time I got this tattoo when granma and I were still dating and how I took that risk because I knew she was the one for me. And granma who is sitting opposite to me, would take a brief moment to look up from her busy knitting and smile at me, still looking as beautiful as ever… I think that is the problem with me. I dream too much. And sometimes I live in my dream, not wanting to wake up. Or maybe I am not able to differentiate between what is real and what is not.

Even though it’s going to take a lot of time to heal, one day I may find love again. Until then, let this tattoo be here, to remind me that, yes, I fell in love once, and yes, I got burnt too. Let this tattoo remind me that things always don’t turn out the way you expect, and people who you love the most can also be the ones who hurt you the most. When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I lost complete faith in love for almost two years. I never thought I’ll fall in love again. Until I met Eve. And now its deja-vu time all over again. But I am not going to go through what I went through before, because looking back at my life then, all I did was torture myself and brought misery upon my life. Let this tattoo be here to give me hope and remind me that there is such a thing called love and that it will cross my path once again.

Until then, I am off to Mumbai. Will stay with my sister there. I need some time alone, just to be by myself. No new mobile connection. No internet. I will not be updating my blog for a pretty long time. Time is a great healer they say… hence that’s the medication I am going to take. Goodbye everyone. And I wish you all the best in whatever you’re doing. God Bless.


41 comments:

Almost Unreal said...

Illusionaire, I don't know what to say but I am really sorry for whatever happened. Its so sad to read about this and I could actually feel the pain.

But as said, "I prefer to be loved for a day than never to be loved at all"

Lemar said...

Fuckkkkk. Dudeeeee. Cheer up!!! Man m so sorry abt wot happened. Dont worry yo there are many otha fishes in da ocean. Ok I really suck @ dis emotional consolin crapp, so I hope dis says what I mean 2 say....

White Lion - Broken heart

Here I stand, all alone
Trying to fight the pain from a broken heart
Why she left me? I don't know
It really doesn't matter anymore
I thought our love could last forever
But here I stand lost and all alone

Chorus:
There is life even after a brokeheart
You can fight the pain from a broken heart broken heart

Start a new day, but not alone
I'm gonna break away this broken heart
I'll meet a woman. I'm gonna take her home
Where I'll pick all the pieces and start all over again
I know that life will be much better
I know the sun will shine again
Yeah baby I know

Chorus

(Guitar solo)

Whooooaa
I know that life will be much better
I know the sun will shine again
Yeah baby I know..
Baby I know..
There is life.. even after a broken heart

Lemar said...

Here's another one dat I listend 2 wen muh gurl dumped me, da bitch....

Nazareth - Love Hurts

Love hurts, Love scars, Love wounds and mars
Any heart not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud, it holds a lot of rain
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

I'm young, I know, But even so
I know a thing or two - I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts

Solo

I know it isn't true I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie made to make you blue
Love hurts, Ooo-oo Love hurts
Ooo-oo, Love hurts Ooo-oo

No Hidden Depths said...

Shocking? yes...
but yet there are certain realities in life that one cannot really get away from! Isn't it??
You take care dear! and hope you will come back recharged from Mumbai.
We'll all be waiting for the Return of The Kim-a much stronger Kim. :)

I think that is the problem with me. I dream too much. And sometimes I live in my dream, not wanting to wake up.: Same here...

J said...

Im so sorry kim... really dunno what to say... can i call u? Have u spoken to Eve again?

- J

Anonymous Mishual :-) said...

Sandman!
We are very sorry to hear the sad news and we sincerely hope you get better soon.

Please don't stay away from the internet just because of this. What will zoram.com and misual.com be without you and your smart comments???

Love is a bitch. Cheer up Sandy boy.

~ Delhi lam atangin.

illusionaire said...

@ almost unreal: Thanx dear. I guess this is the price one pays for having such a good time. Yeah even I do not regret at all when I look back... It was indeed a happy time.

illusionaire said...

@ no hidden depths: Thanx Bro, and thanx for taking time off from ur busy schedule to talk with me... I got ur mail at gmail... thanx... made me smile for the first time after this...

I'll try keeping you updated from Mumbai... and happy Birthday in advance! I'll call u tonight...

illusionaire said...

@ J: Thanx J. And thanx for visiting my blog regularly... and if you are the same J who I think u are, then, I'm really sorry for the brief fight we had once. I know it was about Eve, and guess I reacted pretty immaturedly to your comments. I never did said a formal apology and we just brushed past the whole issue and continued chatting with each other as if nothing happened... but here is hoping it is not late to say sorry.

illusionaire said...

@ anonymous Mishual :-)

Nice to find that anonymous name here too. :-) Thanx. Well... its gonna be pretty tough to stay away from zoram.com and misual.com (also izawl.com, zawlbuk.net, zotalk.com etc) but I guess its the first step I must take to recover from this...

Do keep visiting... and it doesnt hurt to sign with ur own name :-)

- Kima (Moderator/Editor Sandman)

illusionaire said...

@ Lemar: Thanx dude. Long time no see. How u been?

Yeah I have listening to those songs a lot... including the song "Fuck it" by Eamon... And I just cant stop listening to "Where'd you do" by Fort Minor... plus my sis from UK sent me this song called "Dry your eyes" by The Street. Never heard of it before... It really made me feel much better... The lyrics goes like this:

In one single moment your whole life can turn 'round
I stand there for a minute starin' straight into the ground
Lookin' to the left slightly, then lookin' back down
World feels like it's caved in - proper sorry frown
Please let me show you where we could only just be, for us
I can change and I can grow or we could adjust
The wicked thing about us is we always have trust
We can even have an open relationship, if you must
I look at her she stares almost straight back at me
But her eyes glaze over like she's lookin' straight through me
Then her eyes must have closed for what seems an eternity
When they open up she's lookin' down at her feet

Chorus:
Dry your eyes mate
I know it's hard to take but her mind has been made up
There's plenty more fish in the sea
Dry your eyes mate
I know you want to make her see how much this pain hurts
But you've got to walk away now
It's over


Damn nice song... perfect for the moment.

Mayank said...

Hi Kima,
Been a longtime admirer of Ur blog,though never commented,congratulated,criticized.cause i see there are lot more smarter people to do that stuff.
however THIS episode was such that i could not stop myself.I truly feel sorry at the same time life goes on.
People like you always make me feel that Love is still a beautiful concept.

Later...
Mayank.

P.S:One day you will again be Kool.

illusionaire said...

Thanx Mayank.

Love can die but life goes on. I'm glad I could make a difference in your life. Makes me feel like I have achieved something after all. Thanx for your advice, I really appreciate it, especially at this hour. Love is indeed a beautiful concept. Never stop believing in it.

-Kima.

benjamin rualthanzauva said...

Nothing lasts forever. There's no way to understand someone else's feeling exactly as he would feel.

This is natural. The two of you did look a very good pair.

The Real J said...

Hey Shags, this is the real me. As trite as it sounds, like you told dear mushy the other evening, life goes on ...c'est la vie...que sera sera...quo vadis...amar, akbar, anthony...i have a dream etc etc. Bawl your heart out for a few days, then psyche yourself to get over it. It's all in the mind. You can get over anything if you put your mind to it. Takes time but others have done it, so can you. Buck up, buckeroo. Put it all in perspective. And good luck.

J said...

lmao Kim. How many J's are there anyway? No its not me that u had a fight wit, but i guess above post cleard things up. We dont even know each other personally but i know peeps who hav ur number. Im Jenny bt the less said the better ;)

TC...

illusionaire said...

@ Benjamin: Hows California? Replied at gtalk but you've just signed out. Do send me a snap of that "cute asian chick sitting next to your cubicle" :-) By the way, did your fren send that parcel to mumbai? Anyway, yeah those were some really good memories we had at Chennai... Im sure Eve would miss that a lot too... Man my sitemeter is going crazy... Its already on 200+ unique ip visits today alone!

illusionaire said...

@ the real J: Jonquille!!!! Sorry for the mistaken identity dear. Anyway, I hope you've accepted my apology which was meant for you and not J (Jenny).

Yeah its really funny. Just the other day you and I were trying to cheer up lyricalmushroom bcoz she broke up with her boyfren. And now, I too am sitting exactly where she was. Anyway, thankyou so much for those words of encouragement. And zoram.com is still down. Sux.

illusionaire said...

@ Jenny: :-) See, everytime you sign with a J, how will I its you and not the other J's? Thanx anyway for visiting Jenny. Ur ip address shows ur also from Mizoram thats why I thot u were Jonquille (the less investigated, the better).

Sundancer said...

'Defeat may be victory in disguise;
The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide.'
'O fear not in a world like this,
And thou shalt know erelong,
Know how sublime a thing it is
To suffer and be strong.'

Stay strong Kim!

illusionaire said...

Thanx Sundancer. Its raining heavily in Bangalore right now... But hey, I'm pretty much ok now. Thanx for calling dear. That was really sweet of you...

Here's looking at you kid! said...

Dude, am a frequent reader of your blog, though I never commented. In a sadistic way, it gave me great pleasure that even cool ppl could be hurt like the rest of us. Just kiddin':)
Hope you are a sport buff, because there is lots of hope to forget all else in the next two months dude.

illusionaire said...

Thanx looking-kid.

Yeah, I already made a list of things that I will do for the next few months to get her off my mind. Sports is definitely one of them... Basketball is where I take out my frustration. It helps a bit.

J said...

So how is my fav. blogger doin? Dont drink too much pls. Many mizo guys do that n its not helpin in any way.

~ Jenny (lawm em? ;p)

illusionaire said...

Hi Jenny,
Yeah, me hanging on ok, thanx for asking. Its ok, I dont drink to get over her... but yeah, have been getting sloshed everynite since my breakup... rite now, am down with fever. Doc says its coz am over-stressed, drinking too much n not eating anything at all. Am in the recovery phase now. He said I have to stay in bed for the next 2 days, but I think I'm stronger than that :-)
Plz stop worrying about me dear. I'm a grown-up boy now... :-P

Anonymous said...

There was this great dream I always had. That one day, when I am old and retired, I would imagine myself sitting by the fireplace on my rocking chair surrounded by my grandchildren. And they would ask “Granpa granpa, please show us your tattoo again” and I would gladly roll up my sleeve and show them my wrinkled arm with a faded “Eve” still on it. And they would go “wow… that’s granma!” And I would once again tell them the story about the time I got this tattoo when granma and I were still dating and how I took that risk because I knew she was the one for me. And granma who is sitting opposite to me, would take a brief moment to look up from her busy knitting and smile at me, still looking as beautiful as ever...

That is the sweetest line i have eva come across. and all these time i thot casanova was dead. Kima, i am not a frequent visitor to your blog like the others, but i must say i don think i have eva seen anyone more hurt than your breakup. Wish there ws something i cud do... :'(

Anita.H
Bangalore

virgochhas said...

the nite when u asked me 'guess what?' - i never thot this is what happened...

how long does it take for me to beleive that u were'nt kidding

people have relationship, people fall in love, but KIM, u were different... everytime u talk about her or write about her, i swear i can feel that love you have for her and everytime i wonder whether she realise how lucky she is....

now am not gonna tell u how great u are...u dont need to hear that do u?... u already know how great u are...

but what i mean when i say that she is 'lucky' is beause of the LOVE that u have for her...the LOVE that you give her.... not many people LOVE so endlessly and i know how lucky she is to be at the receiving end of such LOVE

anywayz.... herez a song for you... Madonna's You'll See

You think that I cant live without your love
Youll see,
You think I cant go on another day.
You think I have nothing
Without you by my side,
Youll see
Somehow, some way

You think that I can never laugh again
Youll see,
You think that you destroyed my faith in love.
You think after all youve done
Ill never find my way back home,
Youll see
Somehow, someday

Chorus:

All by myself
I dont need anyone at all
I know Ill survive
I know Ill stay alive,
All on my own
I dont need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
Youll see

You think that you are strong, but you are weak
Youll see,
It takes more strength to cry, admit defeat.
I have truth on my side,
You only have deceit
Youll see, somehow, someday

Chorus2:

All by myself
I dont need anyone at all
I know Ill survive
I know Ill stay alive,
Ill stand on my own
I wont need anyone this time
It will be mine
No one can take it from me
Youll see

Youll see, youll see
Youll see, mmmm, mmmm

illusionaire said...

@ Anita.H: Romance is never dead my dear. There is romance everywhere and not just in paperback. It is all around us, you'll just have to be alert to notice it. I guess everyone have their own way of expressing their love, and in this case, you just happened to stumble upon mine. Never stop believing in love Anita. It is the greatest gift God has given to us.

illusionaire said...

virgo,

well, yeah, all my closest frens were shocked too. but i guess thats how things are going to be from now onwards. Your words are deep. Please come online @ yahoo messenger. Yes I have never loved anybody as much as I loved Eve, but lets not talk about that on a public page...

I always had that Madonna's album "Something to remember" in my collection but never actually listened to it. But after you sent me that song, I was just going thru the album, and all the songs are about breaking up and seperation... Take a bow, I'll remember, This used to be my playground, Love dont live here anymore, one more chance etc... Gonna play these songs continously for the rest of the day...

MockingBird said...

I’ve been hurt. I’ve gone through the pain of losing those I love the most. But the pain you say you’ve been feeling lately surpasses anything I’ve felt so far. I wonder if she has even the slightest idea how lucky she is to be loved so deeply! Anyway, I think your decision to write about it and get it out of your system is a good one. I know it sounds clichéd but time is a healer :)

Anonymous said...

Buddy cheer up. You never lost anyone for she never loved you, but she has just lost someone who truly love her. You will find a better person as you move forward into Life. Stay positive and have confidence in yourself. This is not the end my friend. Chill.

FridgeNoMore said...

and to add insult to injury arsenal lost the champions league to Farcelona.. :( this month sucks royally...

zmiller said...

ey kim!!!
its really touching!!knowing hw much u've done for her n seeing ur arms with her name on it..man it feels bad!!id be the biggest fool to say get over it coz its not gonna happen...its too recent..time heals wounds ..blive me it will...so all u need is a lil patience to kill time n do all things u want in life without a second thought..
my prayers n best wishes are with uu!!
see u in mumbai

illusionaire said...

@ mockingbird: Yeah I guess. As clichéd as it may sound, time is indeed a great healer. Its just that... suddenly time seems to pass by so slowly... Today is exactly one week since she broke up with me and I already feel like its been a year (in terms of duration) and at the same time feels just like yesterday (in terms of memories)...

illusionaire said...

@ anonymous: I do "stay positive". Being negative is the last thing I wanna be right now. It will only make me feel worse...

@ fridgenomore: Yeah roomie, that nite really really sux. I thought an Arsenal victory would cheer me up a bit... Now I regret going all the way to KMG from home in the middle of the nite to watch the match with a bunch of rotten Barca fans.

illusionaire said...

thanx zmiller. Yeah will see you in mumbai. I'll be staying with my sis. Dunno which part of mumbai though, but we'll definitely meet up once I've settled down there...

Olig said...

Ur really going to stop blogging b'coz of her? :-(

D'is suxxx...

Sharon said...

Dude. do update us from mumbai. waiting to hear your version of life there in your own twisted way! ;-)

- Sharon

illusionaire said...

Dear Olig and Sharon,
Blog updated.

-Kima.

tribalsuperstar said...

Dnt have much comments ... Good for you that u can bring it out from inside ... hope its all for the better ... I usually keep it to myself - tis things .. but ure ways ... truely dominant .. and frank .. Its cool .. its cool .. wish u well n best.

illusionaire said...

thanx, I guess...

And hey, do update that blog of yours...