Monday, July 24, 2006

Chp 82. Tour de France : Tour d’ Inde ?

Finally, the Tour de France, the most famous and prestigious bicycle race in the World has come to an end. American Floyd Landis finished over all 1st with a mere 52s lead over Spaniard Oscar Pereiro who infact had a 30s lead over Landis in the 19th penultimate stage. I just love watching the Tour de France, which has been held every year (except during the two WWs) since 1903.

It’s not just about raw power or brute strength. There are a lot of techniques involved. It’s more like a game of chess, where riders try to anticipate their opponents’ moves. The other cyclists of a team also help out their team leader like the climbing specialist who clock him, another rider protect him from the wind, while the task of another cyclist can be fetching water for the team leader (Exactly what I used to do when I first joined the School Basketball team in 8th standard )

Only three Americans have won this tournament. Gerg Lemond (1986, 1989 and 1990), Floyd Landis this year, and the Legendary Lance Armstrong (1999 – 2005) who holds the record for the most number of wins with his 7 consecutive wins. (The second most number of wins is 5 times, held by four people).

As I sat watching the tournament on TV, I just wondered why such a similar beautiful tournament was not held in India. We have roads connecting the entire country and we also have lots of hilly areas to conduct the “King of the Mountain” stages. And then reasons after reasons bombarded my head and hence decided to come up with this post.

16 15 Reasons why there will never be a Tour d’ Inde :
  1. At every starting point, the race will get delayed because that particular region’s local politicians and film stars will want to make their presence felt. They will also bring along a large number of party supporters, fans, security, P.A.s and media people concentrating more on them rather than the cyclists or the race. Sometimes they will even make long speeches that have nothing to do with the tournament or the bicycle Industry in India.

  2. The actual race will stretch because half the time, the riders will be replacing their cycles with their spare ones as they are damaged from the potholes present everywhere on the race course. Very soon, like how Tour de France is known as the most prestigious and famous cycle race, Tour d’ Inde will be known as the most difficult and grueling cycle race in the World.

  3. Apart from this, the riders will have to frequently stop cycling and wait on their track because they have to let one of these pass: a train; another train; a convoy of Ministers and small time VIPs; a couple of vehicles traveling the wrong way down the one-way street; yet another train.

  4. A large number of cyclists will get injured from crashing into the many cows and buffaloes freely roaming on the race course here and there. The PR of the Tour d’ Inde might even state that the presence of these animals are obstacles which are a part of the race.

  5. As the cyclists travel from one State to the other, at every State check point, the cyclists will have to dish out bribes to the cops so that they will not be checked and delayed unnecessarily. Hence they will have to carry many fifty rupee notes as they go about on their tour of India.

  6. Atleast in France, as the cyclists travel from one Province to the other, the medium is usually French, which may be spoken with a different dialect here and there. In India, every State has its own language completely different from the other. The cyclists and their team cars will have a tough time carrying all the various language translation books and also trying to figure out which one to use at which place.

  7. The cyclists will have to cycle with heavy army protection while traveling through Kashmir, the Northeast and the Naxal dominated areas of a few States. Hence the Army will have to start training its jawaans how to ride cycles while remaining in full battle gear. But later it might be revealed that the Army cycles provided by a certain manufacturing firm are largely defective, resulting in another investigation and political scandal about kick-backs.

  8. Now and then the race will have to come to a halt because, up ahead some people are blocking the roads protesting about a dam demolition or a reservation policy or a defacement of a statue. The blockade can even be because of a large marriage procession.

  9. Sometimes the cyclists will even have to wait a day or two in the middle of the race because of a bandh declared by various parties and factions. Some races can also be halted because of floods, while others are because of prank calls about a bomb hoax.

  10. If an accidental collision among the cyclists occurs resulting in many injuries, a certain political party will immediately blame a certain minority community for the debacle, sparking off defamatory speeches and somehow trying to link this accident with various other terrorist attacks that had befallen India in the past.

  11. The race will trigger a fresh round of Cola war in India as Pepsi and Coke will carry out a campaign to advertise as hard as possible. During the entire Tour d’ Inde, the only commercials we’ll see on the sports channels are boring redundant Cola ads that will appear every now and then featuring star studded film personalities that have nothing to do with the spirit of cycling.

  12. Airtel and Hutch will once again start spamming their subscribers with hundreds of daily irritating “Sms this number to win exclusive prizes. Just answer a few questions about Tour d’ Inde” smses or “You could be the lucky winner standing and cheering at the finishing line as the race ends. Just sms this number at Rs.5/msg…” text messages.

  13. The sale of Lance Armstrong’s “Livestrong” wristbands will quadruple in the Indian market, prompting many P3 celebrities who had never watched Tour de France before, admit to the media that they will be cheering for their favorite cyclist Lance Armstrong again, not knowing that he already retired from professional cycling at the end of 2005.

  14. Some Bollywood directors will approach the cyclists, paying them to appear for an item number on their latest film while they go about with their race. Hence, these cyclists will be at the background cycling as the Hero himself is cycling and singing at the head of the race while chasing the heroine who is also on another cycle.

  15. At the end of the final race, politicians will once again be there, ready to garland the winner, and then taking the entire credit for his victory. If none of the cyclists make it to the finish line, then the opposition will blame the party in power for a complete failure in law n order, foreign policy, infrastructure and tourism.

  16. And last but not the least, we will see Mandira Bedi on our TV screens again, trying hard to talk about anything that has anything to do with cycling, this time wearing aerodynamic cycle head gear and dressed in skin-tight shirt and shorts. Wait a sec, did I say skin tight? Ok scratch this last point off. This belongs to the “Reasons why there should be a Tour d’ Inde” post .
Hence these are the 15 reasons why there will never be a Tour d’ Inde in India like the one in France. Disclaimer: All the comments I made about the various people involved in this post are done in light humor and I had no intention of maligning anybody, and I duly apologize if I had offended anyone (Please don’t ban my poor little blog).

Readers are most welcome to add any other points on why they feel Tour d’ Inde will never be held here. Thankyou. This is me, the friendly Mizo-next-door signing off. Cheers.

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Some helpful links:

Tour de France for Dummies
Some road rules of the Tour de France
A few dramatic Tour de France moments

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

but seriously you shoudl consider professional writing..u could write the indian version of MAD of "something like that"( Gundu Rao ishtyle)...
ur posts have become even more interesting bro..
keep it up
bro sonam

illusionaire said...

Haha Thanx bro. That was a quick comment! lolx.

Yeah, I confess I am indeed deeply inspired by MAD and its style of writing. Thanx for the compliment bro.

tribalsuperstar said...

Hahahahaha .... This is completely hilarious. Your sense of writing n humour's beyond. There'll be a few who can match your writting. This is worth recommending to all. . . . . . I've even thought about logical and sometimes useless reasons behind things. Just that i wouldnt be able to put it into writting. I should sign up for tutions. How much do you charge in-any-case?? :D hahaha. Seriously, the fact that the humour is true yet funny makes it phenominal. Man !! .... jawans cycling in full gear ..... hahahaha too much ... Ure a good man ... kima ... keep it up. People should discover you soon.....

MockingBird said...

Hey Supastar, wait! I'm signing up for the tuition too :p

Kima, you've got yourself a new fan ;)

Vivified Visage said...

Humorous and illuminating. -_-

Diddley said...

lol... ya got great analyzin humour!! You more or less sound like a replication of Alfred. E. Neuman himself hahahaha!

Perspective Inc. said...

(He He)larious!!

illusionaire said...

Hehe. Thanx guys. But I confess this is just a momentary thingie. Most of my posts are about my life or serious issues on racism, discrimination etc. Its only now n then that I come up with a humorous post like this one. Feels good to write down what goes on in my head :-)

Anonymous said...

Freaking Hilarious dude! Especially the last part "Please don't ban my poor blog". LoLz!!! You never stop surprising me.

-Aks

Anonymous said...

hi kima,

did u study in montfort school yercaud ?

illusionaire said...

@ Aks: Hehe... But I guess the pun of that statement is gone coz blogspot is back again :-)

@ Anonymous: Yes dude. I'm a true blood Monfortian. Talofa Batch of 99. And you are... ?

Sundancer said...

Kheema - thanks for 'forcing' me to read the whole post. Enjoyed every single line, still giggling..ka thingpui a dai vek nangmah vang!

Anonymous said...

well i am from the batch of 2002(machiah's batch and solomon's batch) . you were my senior . i thinks u were in patrick house .

i clearly recognized your face but i wasn 't sure it was you .

so what r u doing now ?

virgochhas said...

politicians, pot holes, cows, militants - lolz...India without them wud be heaven..

Tour d' Inde...lolz...

beautiful post, as usual....very hilarious...itz alwayz worth da time spent in reading lonnggg posts :D

illusionaire said...

@ Sundancer: thanx for finally commenting dear :-P Jeez the things I gotta do to make my frens comment on my blog. Lolz.

@ anonymous: Dude! you think I was in Patrick House? Aaaargh. I was the Patrick House Captain for crying out loud!!! Grrrrrr.... Whats your name? :-) Solomon's batch huh? Thats like 3-4 years my junior. Cool that you've visiting my blog. Feel free to comment anything.

@ Virgo: Thanx sweetie. You're more than welcome anytime of the day. I just hope there was no sarcasm in that "loooonnngg post" comment of yours :-P

Anonymous said...

well patrick house came last in all competitions that year . he he . thats why i asked whether you were from patrick house because i remembered u wearing the patrick house t-shirt( and i get confirmation from the captain himself ha ha). just kidding .

well my name is krishna .

and great post man i'll visit your blog more often .


after so many years and all those school memories comes back rushing to me . i really miss montfort . so r u going for this's years sports ? i think its coming at the end of this month .

and they have started admitting girls to montfort that to only for 11 and 12 standard .

bye c y a

illusionaire said...

No dude, I don't think I'll be going for Sports Day. While I was in Bangalore, me n my batchmates planned to go, but then I had to move to Mumbai suddenly so I dont think I'll be joining my frens.

And what do u mean by we came last in everything during my captaincy? We came last in Athletics and Aquatics, thats all. We won the March Past Shield, and ofcourse the prestigious "Most disciplined House" shield. :-P

Yeah I know they started admitting girls in Montfort. Damnnnn if only they did that during our time... :-D

Albert Herring said...

Actually, that sounds pretty much like the Giro d'Italia. Don't rule anything out just yet...

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