Chp 68. Pain!

Angels in black descended from the dark skies. The death knell is rung in a distance, a low monotone of life slowly being squeezed out…

All I feel now is deep excruciating pain. A remorse of the deepest degree. Heaven hath no rage like love to hatred burns. All senses within me are dead numb. The very last piece of emotion left within me shattered into a million pieces.

Love? Haha it is only the foolish who falls in love, and I, had the honour of sitting on its throne. How can emotions grow so strong that everything I do is now affected by it? Nauseas. Lose of appetite. Insomnia. Lose of all senses around me. Everything in slow-motion, spinning around me slowly, like the endless twirl of a bad marijuana trip. Now and then I had to take a deep breath and pinch myself, just to see if this is all but a bad dream. A nightmare personified.

Pain seems to be lurking in every corner. Everything that I do or see or hear – all I feel now is pain. The pictures of us together, the songs that we both used to love, the memories of the great time I had with her… all filled with pain now. A pain that just doesn’t seem to go away no matter how hard I try to erase from my mind.

You play with fire, you get burnt. I fell in love and now my soul is consumed in flames. All the fires of Hell are nothing compared to this fire raging within me.

I promised our closest common friends that I will not write about what happened the past few days on my blog. But I just cannot let things locked up forever like this... it’s eating me alive slowly, worse than cancer, killing the very essence of hope within me. I need an outlet. I need to take it all out from my system, otherwise I don’t think I can go another day living like this. Ofcourse I will spare the complete details. That is something personal and just because we are no longer together doesn’t mean I have the right to break the trust that we once had. No matter how much pain she has brought upon me, I will always respect her and… care for her.

Looking at my blog pains me even more. I’ve written about how I first met her, how I started falling in love with her, how she had come into my life and changed everything, how much I miss her, her birthday, the names that we might give to our children… every chapter about her is now a chapter of agony. But all these also made me realize one thing, that it is indeed better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. Atleast she gave me the best couple of months that I had ever known. For the short time that she was mine and I was hers, I got a taste of what Heaven actually feels like.

I guess sometimes, things never turn out the way one expects. No matter how sure you think things are, it can always blow up right in your face. I was warned by my closest friends not to get a tattoo of her name on my arm. But even though I knew the uncertainty of any relationship, I was willing to take that risk. Because, speaking to her everyday and spending time with her, I knew deep inside that she was the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Nobody has been able to make me this happy and complete in my entire life. Unfortunately, this feeling was not reciprocated. There was this great dream I always had. That one day, when I am old and retired, I would imagine myself sitting by the fireplace on my rocking chair surrounded by my grandchildren. And they would ask “Granpa granpa, please show us your tattoo again” and I would gladly roll up my sleeve and show them my wrinkled arm with a faded “Eve” still on it. And they would go “wow… that’s granma!” And I would once again tell them the story about the time I got this tattoo when granma and I were still dating and how I took that risk because I knew she was the one for me. And granma who is sitting opposite to me, would take a brief moment to look up from her busy knitting and smile at me, still looking as beautiful as ever… I think that is the problem with me. I dream too much. And sometimes I live in my dream, not wanting to wake up. Or maybe I am not able to differentiate between what is real and what is not.

Even though it’s going to take a lot of time to heal, one day I may find love again. Until then, let this tattoo be here, to remind me that, yes, I fell in love once, and yes, I got burnt too. Let this tattoo remind me that things always don’t turn out the way you expect, and people who you love the most can also be the ones who hurt you the most. When I broke up with my first girlfriend, I lost complete faith in love for almost two years. I never thought I’ll fall in love again. Until I met Eve. And now its deja-vu time all over again. But I am not going to go through what I went through before, because looking back at my life then, all I did was torture myself and brought misery upon my life. Let this tattoo be here to give me hope and remind me that there is such a thing called love and that it will cross my path once again.

Until then, I am off to Mumbai. Will stay with my sister there. I need some time alone, just to be by myself. No new mobile connection. No internet. I will not be updating my blog for a pretty long time. Time is a great healer they say… hence that’s the medication I am going to take. Goodbye everyone. And I wish you all the best in whatever you’re doing. God Bless.