Ironic huh. This is my first blog of the year and probably the last of my life here in IIM. It took me a lot of courage to put this up on writing. But I guess that’s my only way of relieving myself from this tormented world that I currently know. Recently for the past one month, I’ve been thinking… and by thinking, I mean really thinking.
If a cat is hungry, will it eat the mouse? Just because other cats are eating mice, should he just eat it too? What if he doesn’t like the mouse… what if he knows other ways of satisfying his hunger, like leftovers from the family table or cereals… But since everybody is eating mice, should he also jump into the band wagon too? Well, suppose the cat is already in the pack, running around, eating mice, and still finds no satisfaction in doing it, shall he continue doing it, or leave the pack? What will the other cats think of him? Branded a loser? A drop-out? A quitter?
And suppose there’s a new element in the picture. Enter a dog. Now the dog calls all the cats and says, “this cat who doesn’t like eating mice, he’s not fit enough to be in our pack. So I hereby officially kick him out”. Then what has that cat become? Well, he’s not a loser or a dropout anymore, but he became a failure.
So our cat turned around silently and left the group. He walks outside and the cold air hits him. It is dark and chilly outside. He has never been alone before. All these time, the cat has always been in the company of frens. He realized he has been doing everything with them all thru-out his life. But this time, it is just him alone. He walks up the dark alley, whose only source of light is the flickering street lamp, his only companion is his shadow that changes its size as he approach the next street lamp. He smiles when his shadow becomes big, but when it become small, it reminds him of what he is and this makes him even sadder.
He thinks and thinks. Which is better, the lesser of the two evil. Being a failure or a quitter. And finally he realize. Being a failure is better no doubt. By failing, you learn, but by quitting, you are haunted forever for the rest of your life.
I decided a couple of days ago to leave this prestigious institute called IIM because I did not perform well in my acads. I really screwed up my exams. I told only my really close frens here about my decision to leave. Amra, Amol, Tommy, Monu, Ankita… and I could not go on after that. The reaction I got from them was… how do I explain it… painful. Hence Garuda, Rajeev, Pankaj, Nikhil Kumar, Iyer, Ezzy, Nike, and all the really really close frens that I have found after coming here, plz forgive me for not telling u all about this…. You guys have no idea how painful it is for me to tell u all these…
The first person I told about this was Amra. It was right after my mid-terms. I slogged my ass off for this subject called MPPO, and I was even teaching some of my frens about the fundae and stuff. Wrote my mid-term exams very confidently. And when the results came out, guess what? I got the lowest in class. Even all the guys I taught got more than me. Getting below average I can digest. But not getting the lowest, when I studied so much for it. Is there any point in pursuing something that you are just not capable of? So I told Amra I am planning to quit. She thought I was joking. But when she found out I was dead serious…. well… it was an awkward moment. That’s why I couldn’t tell Amol or any of my really close frens here.
It was only on 31st December after our MPPO final exam that I broke the news to Amol, Monu, Tommy and Ankita. I screwed up for the exam and told them that I might be leaving… Monu and Tommy were very supportive. They told me if I really feel I do not see myself as an MBA, then I should do what I feel is best. Ankita, well, she was totally shocked. She didn’t even say anything… just kept quiet when I told her I won’t be here when she comes back from the semester hols. The atmosphere was indeed tense. It was like a funeral. Yes. It does seem like a funeral. Me died.
Amol. Well, he didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to say anything. I could feel what he wanted to say and that’s all that matters. Amol, my closest buddy since coming here to IIM. Like normal average guys, we changed the topic and didn’t say anything about it again.
I just wanted to get out of this place before the results came out. I told my parents that I screwed up my exams and I might get kicked out. My parents were so supportive! My dad immediately said he never liked the fact that I got into IIM in the first place actually coz he wanted me to learnt the mizo culture and family business and stuff. I am the youngest and only son in my family and according to our tradition I am supposed to inherit everything. The main house, the offices, the farm, the two schools we own etc etc… and I have no idea how to run all these and especially no clue about the mizo culture bcoz I’ve been away from home for so long. So he wants me to come back and start a new life back home.
But he told me to wait for the results and hold my head up high if indeed I am asked to leave. I should not run away, that’s what he told me. That’s also what my sisters told me, and that’s what all my close frens told me. My frens said they will kill me if I am not there in the campus when they come back from the semester hols. Results will be out in another 10 days or so from now. The thing is, I didn’t want my entire classmates to be there when the PGP Office tells me to leave. Its kinda embarrassing.
It was then that I did more thinking. I even talked to a couple of professors I know really well. They all said the same thing. Don’t run away. Face your destiny like a man. Especially Anjana Vivek, our Fin Acc prof. She told me that marks are just one dimension of measuring a person’s capabilities, and that she has noticed a lot of potential within me, especially when she saw me giving a presentation. And so, on the last day of the 2nd semester, when all my frens were happy about going home, oblivious of the fact that I was undergoing a severe stressful decision, I decided to wait for the results and let fate play its own card. Amol and Monu quickly handed me their car keys for the holidays! Even though it looks like they gave me their car keys just bcoz I am their close fren, I do suspect that they gave it to me so that I won’t vacate this place while they are not here! :-)
Just day before yesterday I went to meet our PGP chair-person Mr.Jishnu Hazra. He was a bit busy so I was waiting infront of his office. The path to his office over-look a constructed building, probably a new faculty wing. And as I stare at the construction, I could so depict my life there. Will these walls which are being constructed become a wall for one of the great faculties or just a wall for a bathroom? Is this how my life is going to be? Uncertain? I am still in the process of being trained and groomed for the cruel cruel world out there. Just what type of building is going to be constructed out of the foundation laid is still a suspense.
I guess one of the fact that is responsible for making me what I am today is the fact that I am a spoilt-brat. Ofcourse I don’t sulk anymore to get what I want, but being the apple of daddy and mummy’s eyes, and being the pampered loving only brother of my three elder sisters, I really got used to getting things the way I want. Need money? Call dad. Money is there in a few days. Got into trouble? Call sisters. They solve it for me.
But this is my life. Sooner or later I will have to do things by myself. Dad told me its high time I get to know about the family business and also about our culture. I have no idea about the mizo culture. I hate mizo food, I don’t feel comfortable taking in mizo. But this is what I am and this is what I must know. All those nightmares about identity crisis comes back to haunt you in multi-folds.
I told my parents that I might get kicked out. I never told them that MBA might not be the right thing for me and that I might quit. I dunno how they will react if I tell them that, Coz I do not see myself working in an Investment company 3 years from now. I do not see myself working in a consultancy. I love designing. And anything that has to do with pure creativity. Marketing? Hmm… maybe. Advertising? I’d love to do that. But what about the long-term perspective? Mizoram? My home? My family? My childhood memories? Where do they all fit in? They are like two sides of a coin. Its either heads or tails. The coin will never land vertically.
It is on times like this that I really envy my frens. They work hard to build a stable future. And they can easily fit into any such future they are building. But me? No. I am only just becoming more and more confused every passing day. I have come across all these conflicting issues before but I guess I turned a blind eye to it. It was only when my ex girlfren told me that her parents will never accept me bcoz of the fact that I am a chinky, that I realized how reservations and all those other bull-shits do not help us at all.
I guess this is all I have to say for now…………….
If a cat is hungry, will it eat the mouse? Just because other cats are eating mice, should he just eat it too? What if he doesn’t like the mouse… what if he knows other ways of satisfying his hunger, like leftovers from the family table or cereals… But since everybody is eating mice, should he also jump into the band wagon too? Well, suppose the cat is already in the pack, running around, eating mice, and still finds no satisfaction in doing it, shall he continue doing it, or leave the pack? What will the other cats think of him? Branded a loser? A drop-out? A quitter?
And suppose there’s a new element in the picture. Enter a dog. Now the dog calls all the cats and says, “this cat who doesn’t like eating mice, he’s not fit enough to be in our pack. So I hereby officially kick him out”. Then what has that cat become? Well, he’s not a loser or a dropout anymore, but he became a failure.
So our cat turned around silently and left the group. He walks outside and the cold air hits him. It is dark and chilly outside. He has never been alone before. All these time, the cat has always been in the company of frens. He realized he has been doing everything with them all thru-out his life. But this time, it is just him alone. He walks up the dark alley, whose only source of light is the flickering street lamp, his only companion is his shadow that changes its size as he approach the next street lamp. He smiles when his shadow becomes big, but when it become small, it reminds him of what he is and this makes him even sadder.
He thinks and thinks. Which is better, the lesser of the two evil. Being a failure or a quitter. And finally he realize. Being a failure is better no doubt. By failing, you learn, but by quitting, you are haunted forever for the rest of your life.
I decided a couple of days ago to leave this prestigious institute called IIM because I did not perform well in my acads. I really screwed up my exams. I told only my really close frens here about my decision to leave. Amra, Amol, Tommy, Monu, Ankita… and I could not go on after that. The reaction I got from them was… how do I explain it… painful. Hence Garuda, Rajeev, Pankaj, Nikhil Kumar, Iyer, Ezzy, Nike, and all the really really close frens that I have found after coming here, plz forgive me for not telling u all about this…. You guys have no idea how painful it is for me to tell u all these…
The first person I told about this was Amra. It was right after my mid-terms. I slogged my ass off for this subject called MPPO, and I was even teaching some of my frens about the fundae and stuff. Wrote my mid-term exams very confidently. And when the results came out, guess what? I got the lowest in class. Even all the guys I taught got more than me. Getting below average I can digest. But not getting the lowest, when I studied so much for it. Is there any point in pursuing something that you are just not capable of? So I told Amra I am planning to quit. She thought I was joking. But when she found out I was dead serious…. well… it was an awkward moment. That’s why I couldn’t tell Amol or any of my really close frens here.
It was only on 31st December after our MPPO final exam that I broke the news to Amol, Monu, Tommy and Ankita. I screwed up for the exam and told them that I might be leaving… Monu and Tommy were very supportive. They told me if I really feel I do not see myself as an MBA, then I should do what I feel is best. Ankita, well, she was totally shocked. She didn’t even say anything… just kept quiet when I told her I won’t be here when she comes back from the semester hols. The atmosphere was indeed tense. It was like a funeral. Yes. It does seem like a funeral. Me died.
Amol. Well, he didn’t say much, but he didn’t have to say anything. I could feel what he wanted to say and that’s all that matters. Amol, my closest buddy since coming here to IIM. Like normal average guys, we changed the topic and didn’t say anything about it again.
I just wanted to get out of this place before the results came out. I told my parents that I screwed up my exams and I might get kicked out. My parents were so supportive! My dad immediately said he never liked the fact that I got into IIM in the first place actually coz he wanted me to learnt the mizo culture and family business and stuff. I am the youngest and only son in my family and according to our tradition I am supposed to inherit everything. The main house, the offices, the farm, the two schools we own etc etc… and I have no idea how to run all these and especially no clue about the mizo culture bcoz I’ve been away from home for so long. So he wants me to come back and start a new life back home.
But he told me to wait for the results and hold my head up high if indeed I am asked to leave. I should not run away, that’s what he told me. That’s also what my sisters told me, and that’s what all my close frens told me. My frens said they will kill me if I am not there in the campus when they come back from the semester hols. Results will be out in another 10 days or so from now. The thing is, I didn’t want my entire classmates to be there when the PGP Office tells me to leave. Its kinda embarrassing.
It was then that I did more thinking. I even talked to a couple of professors I know really well. They all said the same thing. Don’t run away. Face your destiny like a man. Especially Anjana Vivek, our Fin Acc prof. She told me that marks are just one dimension of measuring a person’s capabilities, and that she has noticed a lot of potential within me, especially when she saw me giving a presentation. And so, on the last day of the 2nd semester, when all my frens were happy about going home, oblivious of the fact that I was undergoing a severe stressful decision, I decided to wait for the results and let fate play its own card. Amol and Monu quickly handed me their car keys for the holidays! Even though it looks like they gave me their car keys just bcoz I am their close fren, I do suspect that they gave it to me so that I won’t vacate this place while they are not here! :-)
Just day before yesterday I went to meet our PGP chair-person Mr.Jishnu Hazra. He was a bit busy so I was waiting infront of his office. The path to his office over-look a constructed building, probably a new faculty wing. And as I stare at the construction, I could so depict my life there. Will these walls which are being constructed become a wall for one of the great faculties or just a wall for a bathroom? Is this how my life is going to be? Uncertain? I am still in the process of being trained and groomed for the cruel cruel world out there. Just what type of building is going to be constructed out of the foundation laid is still a suspense.
I guess one of the fact that is responsible for making me what I am today is the fact that I am a spoilt-brat. Ofcourse I don’t sulk anymore to get what I want, but being the apple of daddy and mummy’s eyes, and being the pampered loving only brother of my three elder sisters, I really got used to getting things the way I want. Need money? Call dad. Money is there in a few days. Got into trouble? Call sisters. They solve it for me.
But this is my life. Sooner or later I will have to do things by myself. Dad told me its high time I get to know about the family business and also about our culture. I have no idea about the mizo culture. I hate mizo food, I don’t feel comfortable taking in mizo. But this is what I am and this is what I must know. All those nightmares about identity crisis comes back to haunt you in multi-folds.
I told my parents that I might get kicked out. I never told them that MBA might not be the right thing for me and that I might quit. I dunno how they will react if I tell them that, Coz I do not see myself working in an Investment company 3 years from now. I do not see myself working in a consultancy. I love designing. And anything that has to do with pure creativity. Marketing? Hmm… maybe. Advertising? I’d love to do that. But what about the long-term perspective? Mizoram? My home? My family? My childhood memories? Where do they all fit in? They are like two sides of a coin. Its either heads or tails. The coin will never land vertically.
It is on times like this that I really envy my frens. They work hard to build a stable future. And they can easily fit into any such future they are building. But me? No. I am only just becoming more and more confused every passing day. I have come across all these conflicting issues before but I guess I turned a blind eye to it. It was only when my ex girlfren told me that her parents will never accept me bcoz of the fact that I am a chinky, that I realized how reservations and all those other bull-shits do not help us at all.
I guess this is all I have to say for now…………….
