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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Chp 243. Sex, lies and relationships…


Yesterday I met an old “friend” of mine from Hyderabad on my way to dinner at a relative’s place in Khatla here in Aizawl. A definite blast from the past. She’s working in Aizawl now, doing pretty well. She’s not as attractive as I used to remember, and she also told me I’ve lost a lot of hair since the last time she saw me. We talked about the present, and not the past.

You see, she wasn’t exactly a friend. She was one of the many girls I’ve seen living-in with my Arab friends back in Hyderabad, during my CAT coaching class days. I didn’t even remember her name yesterday, and I certainly felt odd asking for her name after the way she seemed to know me so well. I did recognize her face after she called me by my name, and memories of Hyderabad came rushing back immediately. But her name, nah… couldn’t recollect.

We quickly talked about what’s going on with our lives. Again I felt odd because… we were never that close back in Hyderabad. I had my own circle of friends (Pawan, Kini, Adonica, Shruti, Antara, etc. miss you guys!) and my roomies were Alaa & Hyder, two Arabs. Two amazing and wonderful friends. Through them, I got to meet more and more Arabs and Africans (North Africans). And it was with those people that I would frequently cross paths with the women who stayed with them.

It was clear that my roomies didn’t like the promiscuous ways of their Arab friends, but being from the same place, it was inevitable not to hang out occasionally. Yesterday I wanted to ask her how her “boyfriend” was, but I couldn’t remember who she was with back in Hyderabad… So I avoided the question until she asked me if I was seeing anyone (in our society, it is a very common practice for people to ask really personal questions directly to somebody they hardly know, something that I am still not accustomed to due to my upbringing). I said no and I asked her the same thing back politely and she said she was seeing somebody here in Aizawl. Then I asked her if he “knows” and her eyes widened with a coy smile and said no. She grinned.

We soon parted ways as I was getting late for the dinner. Thoughts filled my head - I hoped I didn’t know who the boyfriend was because if he turned out to be a friend or a distant cousin, I wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night if I didn’t tell him about her past. And then I felt extremely ashamed of myself immediately.

Ashamed for trying to poke my freaking nose into other’s affairs. Ashamed for trying to moral police. Ashamed for being a hypocrite. And last but not the least, amazed at myself for ever having such a thought… must be the Mizoram air.

See, I am not judging her. I have no rights to do that and neither does anybody. In fact I too have a lot of dark pasts that I am not exactly proud of. But in a relationship, I’ve always believed that we have to come clean to the person we give our heart to, otherwise the relationship is just built on lies alone.

Call me a sentimental old fool but if you really really really love somebody with all your heart and soul and mind and spirit, can you live with a secret? Can you? Won’t the weight of that secret pull you further and further down until you sink into an abysmal madness where guilt clouds up your ability to genuinely love somebody back?

Of course there is the clichĂ©d old saying, that the past is the past and what matters is the present. But that doesn’t mean the present and the past are completely unrelated. Western culture and ethos are different. Over here, both the past and the present usually intertwine, especially in a close knitted society like our Mizo society. The past will keep coming back to haunt you as long as you lie about it. And believe me, not saying anything about it is in itself a lie too when it comes to relationships.

My advice to all you young lovers out there – if you have a past, don’t worry about it. Most of us do. Just tell the person about it, and if he or she really loves you back, it won’t matter. That is the power of true love. But if you keep it a secret and the two of you become serious later on, believe me, it’s the hangman’s noose for you if he or she gets to know about your past from somebody else.

Because a relationship is all about trust. How can he or she trust you again when there had been one big lie all through your relationship? He or she will definitely assume that all the other truths you’ve told him/her are all lies too. One rotten lie can spoil everything. So it is best to come clean right at the start of a relationship. And believe me, the lightness you will feel after your “confession” is amazing! You no longer need to carry that heavy burden on your back every day, every night. In a way, it does sound quite gospelic!

And hey, if he or she doesn’t want to continue with your relationship because of your confession, move on. Know that you’re good enough for her/him and that it’s her/his loss, not yours. Don’t let low self esteem bite you in the butt. At least you have been honest. You will definitely find somebody later on who will accept you for who you are, and not for what you’ve done in the past.

I mean, that’s just me. What say you? Do you think it’s necessary to come clean before the start of a relationship? Or do you believe that some things are best left unsaid? Do you think it’s wiser to take a gamble and hope that the other person you’re going to share the rest of your life with will never find out about that something you’ve been hiding from her/him?

Dying to know what you think. Do write in. And if the person mentioned here by some weird coincidental chance happens to read this post, do know that I do not mean to offend you in any way. You’ve just triggered a thought, that’s all. Love and hugs.


48 comments:

benjamin rualthanzauva said...

"until she asked me if I was seeing anyone (in our society, it is a very common practice for people to ask really personal questions directly to somebody they hardly know"

At least "I" don't do it to someone I hardly know. I only do it to

1) someone I know really well
2) someone I find attractive :-)
3) you don't need to ask "illusionaire" as he will blog it anyway :-)

I guess the kind of personal questions asked differ society to society.

When I was a student in Trichy (TN)everybody wanted to know

1) what my father does
2) how much he earns

Since my father (step) doesn't do that well, it wasn't the question I wanted to face all the time.

Many times I made up...(shame on me)

claytonia vices said...

I think it is absolutely important to let the other person know that there is 'a past' and also assure them that there are no hangovers from it (most partners' anxieties are I presume more about the person with the past wanting to 'go back' one day). How much one wants to go into the 'details' of the past should be mutually decided depending on maturity levels :)

what say?

illusionaire said...

@ Ben: lolz. Yeah, over here too I've been asked how much I earn etc at least 50 times since I came home last week, mostly by people I've never met before. Im not saying its a bad thing because folks here could be just curious too, and also because we consider each other to be like closest friends immediately because of the "Mizo" factor, but back in Mumbai, this question would be the last thing we'd ask each other. Society indeed differs from place to place.

@ claytonia: Coming from the married man himself! :-) Wise words indeed brother. Yup, that is what I feel too, that we should be honest with our loved one. But I have known quite a number of people who prefer not to talk about their past and just assume that their partner will understand if they find out. I'm not like that to take somebody I love for granted. I just cannot.

feddabonn said...

i tend to agree with the complete honesty route. having said that, i know people who seriously struggle with letting their partner know all about their past. while i worry about trust issues, i guess it is their choice.

also appreciated *your honesty on this post, and admitting to the desire to interfere. :) its a hard call, hey, especially if you know the guy.

Lal said...

i wud say, it might depend on your new love. sometimes it wud be gud to be honest, sometimes (depending on the current and past situation) it wud not be gud to be too honest. just a piece of my opinion.

Jason said...

Couldn't aree with you more Kima :) Thank you for putting it down so plainly and clearly!

People change over time. Thats why its best not to form opinions about people from their past activities. The bozo of today is the hunk of tomorrow (and the junk of day-after?).

Its better to come clean than to hide anything. Life gets a lot simpler and easier when we accept people just the way they are.

And yeah, BTW you are no sentimental fool... Glad you are enjoying being in your beloved Mizoram :)

illusionaire said...

@ feddabonn: Thanks for the comment. Yes it is quite hard in such situation if we happen to know the other party. That is why I didn't want to know who it would be, because Aizawl is a very small place and there is a high chance it might be somebody I know or am related to. It's quite a dilemma actually... :-(

@ Lal: I don't know... as for me, full honesty works best, and we don't have to worry again ever scared that our secret might come out one day. That is not a risk I am willing to take...

@ Jason: Hey bro, thanks for your comment. I'm so sorry I had to run off from Mumbai just when you arrived. Emergency came up suddenly. And yes, sometimes we accidentally do it, but it is completely wrong to judge anyone based on that person's past. We need to be very careful here. What matters the most, is accepting the person as he or she is currently. You've put it perfectly there, bro.

Sandman said...

Usually just read anonymously. But this time had to comment. As someone who has paid the price of hiding my past - "I have to agree, always come clean in a relationship coz it feels a lot better afterwards"

odzer said...

If you ask me you should go with your instinct of keeping out of her 'affairs'. Everyone has a secret or two its just amazing what whole families hide from the world. I guess keeping things away from people is built in to our instincts. Its one of those self preservation things. I mean if we told everything to our partners there would be nothing left for them to discover and they would soon be bored and leave us for someone more exciting. What do you think about that?

Pixie said...

I agree that trust is very important, you need to trust your spouse to take your relationship to the next level.
I also agree with what Vicky says, it depends on the maturity level of the other person, how much details one would want to disclose. If certain things make your spouse uncomfortable, its best left unsaid, since it doesn't harm your relationship...

I am also the sort who believes that certain secrets (small ones, not big ones like past relationships) kept, maybe, might be good for the soul. :)

Zaia said...

Hmmm. the same old same questions we asked before and after..!? And the answer, I think, depends on the persons - the loved and the lover.

Tin, Aizawl chu a nuam bawk em, Boss?? Kolasib te rawn zin ve la..?

illusionaire said...

@ Sandman: hello Sandman :) I call myself the Sandman too, but not the guy who can control sand. My Sandman is the mythical dream bringer :) Thanx for your comment and I can feel your pain when you said you paid the price for it. Restless nights it brings!

@ Odzer: Well, sure it might bring boredom too, but then, my idea of excitement is not exactly finding out one fine day that the woman I fell in love with married, was actually once upon a time a guy until he(she) had a sex change... :D Thats definitely not boring, but its not what I want either. lolz. :)

@ Pixie: Trust is indeed important and so is the maturity level. I agree if the secret is not going to change your relationship in any way, then it may be best left unsaid. But this is the tricky part. Who decides if its not going to change your relationship? :) What one partner may consider to be a non-issue, the other partner may not think so too... right? :)

@ Zaia: Thanx for your comment. It definitely depends on the lover and and "lovee". But personally speaking, what do you think? Tul i ti ve tho em i ngaihdanah, thil engkim in hrilh vek hi?

Hotupa, taka Kolasib lamah ka cousin te an awm a sin... u Thansiami te... w/o Sawrkarliana (L). An fa te chu Vanlachhanhimi w/o of Lalhmingmawia, Lalliansangi leh Lalhmachhuana... hria em?

illusionaire said...

Just out of curiosity... (credit to my friend P who pointed it out)

Post topic: "Relationship".

1st commenter: Guy
2nd commenter: Guy
3rd commenter: Guy
4th commenter: Guy
5th commenter: Guy
6th commenter: Guy
7th commenter: Guy
8th commenter: Guy
9th commenter: Guy
10th commenter: GIRL
11th commenter: Guy
12th commenter: Guy

Kinda looks like the fairer sex wants to avoid this particular topic? Feels like one of my "football" blog posts... no ladies anywhere! :D

Zaia said...

Haha! A nih hi!

Chuan, ka ngaihdanah chuan, tul chin a awm a, tullo chin a awm bawk ngei ang. Kha relation tinghet lo zawng a nih a, thil buaithlak a thlen phahna tur leh - pakhat zawk a nat ngawih ngawihna tur a nih chuan - zep zawk a tha ngei ang..

Chuan, Kolasib: I chhungte chu ka hre teh meuh mai. Machhani nen phei chuan he post ziak tura ka rawn luh hma chiah hian khawlaiah kan inhmu mawle!! :D

Zaia said...

Leh lawk - chuvang chu a nia, a mihringte an pawimawh ka'n tihna chhan pawh..
Bakah - And if the person mentioned here by some weird coincidental chance happens to read this post - i thu han thleh dan hi - engti kawng zawng tak emaw hian ka duhzawng a ni leh tlat thin!!

aduhi said...

So have you figured out who that girl is? I'm still racking my brains bcos to tell you the truth I didnt know anyone who "lived" with any Arab guys back then. Girlfriend, yes, but living together openly? My mind draws a blank.

Regarding the secret-keeping thing I agree with the only other female here (so far) that some things should be kept secret and some mystery should be maintained. Why? Because Cosmo tells us to!

Seriously, like you said in a Mizo society nothing can be kept secret for long (bcos everyone knows everyone else). But I've seen cases where the girl tells the boy all about her dark shameful past and in the beginning the boy is like "it's all right, that's all in the past" and all that rot, but as time passes he slowly becomes suspicious of every movement she makes, becomes jealous of any male she speaks to, questions her friends endlessly trying to dig up more dirt and finally it's splitsville for them.

I know not all guys are like that, but seeing live examples of relationships twisted out of shape by too much honesty, wouldnt you agree a little secrecy sometimes is healthy?

blackestred said...

I kinda agree with aduhi.. there are things you've done which you're not proud of, then, there are the other things you've sworn to take to your grave, which if you tell your spouse would probably receive a reply like "Why are you telling me this?? This changes everything!!" etc etc.. So there are secrets, and there are super secrets! (Which you know isn't gonna come out anyway!)
Maybe I have such a secret, maybe I don't, you'll never know!

mazami said...

Totally agree with you,kim..assuming that we live in an ideal world ,wherein all lovers, big & small ! are completely honest with each other, are able to accept each other's past without any reservations.But then,as a real human being living in the real world, one has to compromise !! what is needed here is judicious use of common sense like in all other spheres of life..what say you???

vishy said...

what made you mention you no longer found her attractive and that you don't even remember her name? Pure vanity or were you envious of her ways during college days?

luliana said...

Mizote hi kan la tlem bakah kan inpawh em a thuruk pawh a awm thei meuh lo chu anih hi. Zep mah ila kan thenawmnu patea nupui u thianpa unaunu fanu bialpa emaw khan a lo hre leh kar tho maithei asin :P Tin, phaia awm te hian "It's my life" kan han tipawr viau thin nanga, kan chet mawilohna hian kan Mizo puite hming kan tichhe tel thin ani tih hria ila, "It's none of their business" tih truah hum reng ringawt pawh hi a fuh ber lo...

btw, ka aw hi pa i ti em?!!! lolzzz

Eveline said...

To disclose or not to disclose secrets from your past, is not something I wish to take sides on. Love it or hate it, there is an element of life that we all have in common, and that is the past. We all have one. While our personal pasts may or may not be as colorful, depending on the person, it can either be toxic to the relationship or not matter at all. Sometimes, just opening a door meant to shut can cause ppl to become victims of their past, sometimes it could lead the way to progress in the present.

Hope that left you confused! hehehe

mesjay said...

i agree with your honesty policy.

when are you coming back to mumbai? i'm so tempted to spread a rumour that you're gone home to get married! or, are you?

Jerusha said...

Beautiful and insightful post Kim! I agree with you completely, if you really really truly love a person, there's no way you can keep such secrets from them. And if they really really truly love you, whatever that dirty secret may be wouldn't drive him or her away. Though I often feel sometimes it's wisest to keep one's mouth shut :P But it's ethically and morally right to let the person know if you're serious. On the other hand, you blabber about your entire life history to a fling and you're a joke!

OpaHmar said...

@Jerusha - "you blabber about your entire life history to a fling and you're a joke!" EPIC FAIL, but haha how true
Silence is golden
but Truth prevails blah3

illusionaire said...

Hi peeps. 2 hours ago, I spent nearly 30 mins typing a reply to everyone at one shot... some long replies and some really long replies... and before I could publish the comment, the freaking current went pooof. Aaaargh!

I'm now coming online from my cousin's place - mimi hrahsel, and lets see if I can do justice to all your wonderful comments from here...

:-(

illusionaire said...

First of all, this blog post has become a hot topic for discussion among many of my friends, and we've been non-stop debating over which is better. lolz. Anyway, my post was not meant to be a debate or something that divides people into two different camps as such, but merely a question asking what people feel about this.

The other day, I had the "misfortune" of discussing this topic with three female friends of mine and I was completely cornered. lolz. Anyway, from all the discussion I had, I guess I can sum it up as:

For Mizo guys, confessing about our dark past is not a big deal as we live in a patriarchal society so the community doesn't look at us in a different way. But for Mizo girls, things are not the same (stigma etc) and so they are less likely to confess about their past to their partners and even willing to gamble that their partner will not find out.

My friend zorami zote too believe that while guys may pour out all, a woman will never be 100% confessing to her partner under any circumstances.

illusionaire said...

@ Aduhi: Well, Hyderabad is a very big city so if they didn't mix with the Mizo community, then there's a chance that people may not know about them. None of the Mizos knew I was in Hyderabad for more than a year too, because I never came to any Mizo function or contacted any Mizos.

As for your friend, I don't mean to side with the guy just because he's THE guy, but was the girl behaving suspiciously so as to arouse his suspicion? One of my friends' GF used to get calls from her ex BF, and she used to go outside the house and talk to him for hours and then when she came back inside, he asked "whassup" and she replied "nothing". He wasn't very comfortable with that.

Back in Del, whenever any girl or ex called me up, I talked to her casually right in front of my GF (now ex) and likewise if any guy called her up, she talked to them in front of me. It's not eavesdropping but our way of showing each other that there was nothing going on. Anyway, I think this is another topic coming up, so we can discuss this further if you like.

illusionaire said...

@ Vishy: Like I mentioned in my post, I just remembered her face as there were lots of them (from the North East) whereas I was the only Mizo guy in a large group of Arab and Africans in our circle. And I didn't mix with them not because of envy or vanity but because I had my own gang of friends. And they didn't like my Indian friends that much, so I didn't like them for that. Anyhoo, thats how it was, and there's no need to assume whats not.

@ Blackestred: Who knows, maybe I know already... *wink* Who knows, whether your sis told me about it already or not... *wink* You'll never know. *GRIN* By the way, congrats on Symantec!!!! Proud of you bro.

@ Mazami: I completely agree common sense is very important. But what I want to ask is also... if that common sense will come back and bite you in the butt later in life? That is also another possibility in a real world as you mentioned. Good point you've brought in.

illusionaire said...

@ Zaia: Hotupa, nia ka chhungte kha min lo duat sak dawn nia auh? u Thansiami fate te nen chuan kan in hre tha chiah lova (distance factor) mahse chhungte nihna zarah ka ngaihtuah ve viau a nia.

i sawi pawh a dik khawp mai, mihring hi chu kan in ang lova, eventually in the end it depends on the person on a personal basis. :)

@ Luliana: Ni e, hei chu ka rawn amen thei e... its my life leh its none of your business ti te pawh hi, puitling hnuah hi chuan an in chhir duh tlangpui a sin. Heihi kan thalai leh tleirawl ten an hriat a pawimawh khawp mai.

Chuan... nia ka aw hi a pa... eka.

@ Eve: OMG!!! That is truly philosophical. And of course I completely get what you're saying. What I am thinking though, is whether the toxicity can be detoxified by the truth or not? :) Just a thought, dear. :)

@ Mesjay: Yes ka pi, am coming home day after tomorrow. I am dying to read that book of yours, and I may even come over on Sunday if my flight goes according to plan. And yes, I am searching for a wife. lolzzz :-)

@ Jerusha: Thank you my dear. I'll drink to that. And off topic - your darling sister didn't pick up my calls today, so I didn't go over to your house. I called her 5 times... :-(

@ Opa Hmar: Epic fail indeed. hahaha. Yeah, only a noob would confess all to a fling. Mimimimii hihihihih lililililili... (thats how I laugh)

badzz said...

hey kima yr rocking love reading yr post and yes i fully agree wit in this post....

toy soldier said...

Like Ive writen in mine few days back...sometimes...lying doesnt hurt anyone...not that i encourage...but i feel honesty is being overrated..sometimes..

dr_feelgood said...

When one is really head over heels in love, one cannot imagine anything can break us apart. Bob dylan wrote,
"As easy as it was to tell black from white/ It was all that easy to tell wrong from right/ And our choices were few and the thought never hit/ That the one road we traveled would ever shatter and split."
My advice is try not to have too many pasts to hide. Live a clean life.

Lucy said...

I say Amen to you, TS. I don't think "not revealing" necessarily makes one dishonest. Sometimes there things that are best left unsaid.

illusionaire said...

@ badzz: Thanx badzz :) and thank you for still visiting regularly. How's life in orkut? :)

@ toy soldier: Good point there. Overrated? Nah. The word honesty may be overrated, but people who actually follow it are very few, hence I feel it is rather underrated because of this factor.

@ dr feelgood: Thats there too :) But then, for those who already have such a past, its quite a dilemma... But not trying to have such a past is a good advice too... kinda like prevention is better than cure.

@ Lucy: Was there anything you didn't tell me back in B'lore? lolzzz *wink*

Nahai said...

Honesty is the best policy... but beware! only true love can be forgive...

illusionaire said...

True indeed :-)

chhangte_ll said...

"Let sleeping dogs lie" !!

roba-to said...

interesting blog....

me....i think i'll have to agree with the guys/girls who said too much honesty isn't the best thing...

honesty's good... but then, it could backfire on you... hehe...
n chances r..it will.... i mean... how can telling your partner about all your flings n whatnot bring you closer together??? won't it just stir up some doubts about you???

i say keep your mouth shut... and deal with it as it comes....


but then ...i dunno...

i guess it all depends on the situation....

toy soldier said...

And i think right here in this blog...it is being overanalysed..:)

Sekibuhchhuak said...

A in ngaizawng te duh dan ani mai lawm ni Boss:-) Thenkhat chuan inhrilh vek an duh a, thenkhat chuan an duh lo, mihring kan in an loh avangin .

Btw, i vannei khawp mai hei, blog tlemte ka comment theih zingah i blog a tel a (hehe)

Proxy tha deuh min rawlhruk tur i hre lo maw?

Just a grail said...

Honesty in a relationship is important and so is trust and loyalty and commitment.

Every adult has a past, some good things and some bad things, and some things that after several shots of tequila should have never happened, erhm. :-)

I want to know important things, and I share important things. No one, let me repeat, no one really wants the dirty details. Oh Sure, we will ask, just like people always slow down to look at a car accident but really? Not so much, because then it is always out there and for what reason?

illusionaire said...

@ chhangte_II: Yes, let sleeping dogs lie. But I hope they won't bite when they wake up :D

@ roba-to: Its wise indeed to keep quiet, if you think that way. But when the truth comes out, then what? :-)

@ toy soldier: You really think so? :)

@ seki: hehe lucky me! Proxy chu ka hre ve vak lo, keini chuan kan hmang ve a ngai lova... :D Chuanin, nang pawh hian thup tur hi i neih hnem hmel... just joking :D

@ just a grail: hehe, yeah nobody wants to know the actual dirty details, but it really does hurt when that dirty detail comes out, especially from the mouth of another friend. The pain it inflicts is tremendous. What say?

Lucy said...

Now Now..I've always been forthcoming. "You" seem to be particularly worried about the truth backfiring you :)
Is there so much you are hiding from me?

Just a small advice... please don't tell her your dark secrets on your 30th date. In fact, if it is as bad as I think it is, just wait until you've been married 30 years, Love :D

Just a grail said...

@ just a grail: hehe, yeah nobody wants to know the actual dirty details, but it really does hurt when that dirty detail comes out, especially from the mouth of another friend. The pain it inflicts is tremendous. What say?

I guess then it depends on what is considered a dirty detail, and I am also guessing it depends on cultural norms, religious convictions, etc. etc.
To me, having lived with someone before or having been in other relationships are certainly things to divulge without any shame because that is what happens when you are an adult.



This is why I think it is so important to be friends with someone first before you move things to another level. You confide in friends, they know all about you, they understand you and love you, dirty details and all. Those are the relationships that work the best, there is no fear of saying "that thing" or wondering who they might hear something from because they already know.

When I am in a relationship I want to know if he has been in other relationships, how long, how serious etc. I also freely divulge that information.

That one thing that I did with boyfriend X? Not necessarily his business, nor do I really want to hear about that thing Girlfriend Y was really skilled at!

:-)

John Doe said...

I don't know how it is in Mizo society, but as far as I have known - it is usually ok for the man to come clean about his chequered past. If it is a woman she runs the risk of being branded something not quite nice.

John Doe said...

I don't know how it is in Mizo society, but as far as I have known - it is usually ok for the man to come clean about his chequered past. If it is a woman she runs the risk of being branded something not quite nice.

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