Chp 93. I'm horny, you're horny

I’ve just saw NDTV’s investigation on Mumbai’s dance bars yesterday. The clandestine video recordings definitely put a severe dent on the dance bar owners’ credibility when they claimed that these dance bars were just a place of employment for women and that there was nothing illegal or immoral in what they do. Two serious causes of concern, Prostitution rackets and Police corruption, once again resurfaced.

I’m not saying these two had never been around before. Corruption is more or less the oldest practice in the World and Prostitution is labeled as the oldest profession (Unless ofcourse you firmly believe in the Creation, which in that case would make “Animal naming” or “Apple picking” as the oldest profession. God only knows (pun not intended!) what Adam was doing all alone before Eve came along ).

Can prostitution ever be clamped down completely or legalized in India? Ofcourse if I ever suggest that Prostitution should be legalized in India, I would be lynched and my blog probably tagged as “unpatriotic”. However we stand at a crossroad where prostitution in India is neither legal nor illegal. SITA (Suppression of Immoral Traffic Act, 1956) now known as PITA (Prevention of Immoral Traffic Act, 1986) doesn’t say Prostitution is a crime but forbids Prostitutes from practicing their trade within 200 yards of a "public place" or a "notified area". Very obscure law indeed. One might call this DITA (Disarray over Immoral Traffic Act, 2006)

Do you know that prostitutes in India cannot be charged with “prostitution” since it is not a crime? Hence, they get booked with vague charges like "public indecency" or being a "public nuisance" . And meanwhile, as some sections of the society protest against the flesh trade, a large majority of people from the same society are responsible for enabling this industry to flourish. It takes two to tango dude.

Face it, we are all a horny lot. No matter how much we campaign against such an immoral activity and brand it as something against our “culture”, deep down within most of us men are bubbling-hormones raging ferociously like a wild hungry tempestuous Sea devouring a lone ship on a dark and stormy night. The roar from such depths is thunderous and deafening. Be it sea or Psyche. If only it could be heard by people around us.

I still remember one joke I really love: A survey was conducted on what men do as soon as they have sex. 10% said they pee, another 10% said they smoke, while the remaining 80% said they go home.

Guys, there is nothing wrong in being horny. It is a part of our core objective as a species . Even the former most Powerful man on this Planet was caught taking out his cigar from his cigar-case . Horniness knows no distinction. It cuts across all class, sex, race, religion, creed, culture, tradition, you name it. When couples do it, atleast one of them is horny. Otherwise how can you explain the population explosion? I don’t think guys who don’t feel like doing “it”, would/could do “it”. If so, then I find that “hard” to believe .

We guys have a gift. We can automatically “turn it on” anytime we want like a switch, while women have to be “turned on”, like slowly cooking rice or potato in a pressure cooker waiting for what seems like eternity for it to start hisssssssing. God must have found this unfair so He gifted women with multiple-O. And the debate on who got the better off these two deals still continue even today .

I used to have my own little theory on why most of us are “horny”. I was brought up in South India. Went to School and College there. Since boys and girls weren’t allowed to talk to each other and dating was considered a taboo, I thought maybe the sudden exposure to women later on in life brought out all those bottled-up feelings. Naah! That was not the reason. Other Indians from a liberal background like the Northeast or from Metro cities around the Nation are as horny as those from a conservative background. A survey result shows 67% of High School students in America have sex. My friend S said most teenagers in America and other people here in India have sex at an early age because of curiosity rather than, to put it bluntly as I had put it, horniness. I argued that curiosity and horniness cannot be two different criteria because one can be curious and horny at the same time.

Infact you can mix horny with any emotion or state of being. You can be intelligent and horny. You can be dumb and horny. You can be drunk and horny. You can be sober and horny. You can be lonely and horny. You can have company and be horny at the same time. You can own a cycle and be horny, or own a Private Jet and be horny. You can even be horny and horny! (Dunno what’s that like, although I can pretty much imagine… )

Look at India. Even though this trend hasn’t caught on, there are many young women and men out there who have a “fuck buddy”. Yeah, it’s called FB. An FB is usually a friend or a colleague that you trust but aren’t romantically involved with. It’s something like a sexual fling, except that it’s more personal. You wouldn’t have read about FBs in your cosmo or other girlie mags, or read articles about it in prominent news websites. But it is very much in practice, especially among the urban College going youth of today. No Indian women or men of a sane mind are going to come forward openly and say “Yeah, I have a fuck buddy” . I guess we can say FB is the complete opposite of a platonic love affair. I know people who started out as FBs but are now in a committed relationship. Similarly, I know people who insist that their FBs should be faithful to them, while others don’t mind having multiple FBs. I guess this brings us to a debatable question. What is the difference between a sexual attraction and a “normal” physical attraction? Or are all physical attractions sexually oriented, even though we may not know it intrinsically?

I am not here to judge anyone based on what they do on their beds (or on the kitchen table), but one thing is for certain, there are more negative consequences to being sexually active than the positive ones.

Be it prostitution or FBs, one negative consequence is ofcourse the spread of AIDS and other STDs. Then there is the alarming increase in number of rape cases and other sexually oriented crimes. Not to forget those sick demented paedophiles. And then there are the various distractions you experience making it difficult for you to concentrate on your work. Breaking marital vows is another serious consequence: dude, you’re breaking up a loving family just because your wife ain’t around? My advice: Grab a magazine and run to the loo. Lecherous roadside romeos and irritating eve-teasers are another set of people suffering from HO (Horniness Overdose).

Being horny itself is not bad or evil, as long as you don’t let it get out of control. Be the master of yourself. Control the snake. Don’t let the snake control you!

You’re horny, I’m horny, and we all live in a horny little World. Cheers!

Chapter Interlude: Arsenal 1 ManUtd 0

One of the most awaited EPL games this season ended with my team beating arch rivals ManUtd 1-0. ManUtd ended our unbeaten run in 2004. I’m mighty glad we returned the favour tonight.

Arsenal not only recorded our first win of the season but also exposed ManUtd’s grave weakness in the mid-field section. Playing five men at the center, Arsenal clearly dominated the mid-field, and the last line of defense was completely formidable too. But not without paying a price. Lack of a striking force saw Arsenal missing a lot of chances, including a penalty by Gilberto.

For me, the most prominent name of the game was not Rooney or Adebayor. It was Sunil Taneja. Yup, that was the name of the dude who did the Hindi commentary on my TV. Yes! Poor me here in Mumbai had to sit through one of the best matches on ESPN listening to a Hindi commentary. Anyway, I understood a bit of Hindi (he actually used “bhalle bhalle” to describe what the Gunners were doing after Adebayor scored!) but after sometime I realized the Hindi commentary was not in sync with the game!!!! Aaaargh! ESPN really need to look into this. There’s nothing worse than a delayed commentary, English or Hindi, in a LIVE Soccer match and so I finally muted the TV and blasted my music system as I watched the amazing game with my best friend, Mister Old Monk.

The man of the match was Fabregas. John Dykes gave them both (Scorer Adebayor and provider Fabregas) a bottle of champagne. The Soccer Pundits immediately said that it was funny because neither of them were hardly old enough to drink. LOLz!!! Fabregas is 19 and Adebayor 20.

Anyway, I differ from ESPN’s view. My man of the match would definitely be Lehman. Fantastic saves from the German as usual.

But at the end of the day, I have realized one thing. The rivalry between Arsenal and ManUtd was not as intense as it once used to be. Ever since the little known Chelsea suddenly came into the scene two years ago and dominated the top spot on the EPL table, the fire that used to rage between the Gunners and the Red Devils had definitely died down. How I miss the good old days when Keown and Parlour would jump over Nistlerooy while Viera and Keane would engage in a fisticuff at one corner of the field. Damn you Chelsea! And damn you and your dirty Roubles, Mister Abramo-look-at-me-Im-so-freaking-rich-vich.

I guess the most shocking incident of the game would be when Sir Alex substituted Rooney. I clearly didn’t see the reason behind that, especially when he substituted Scholes too. But then, their pain, our gain. So I ain’t complaining. Har har har! Go Gunnerssssss!!!!!

Chp 92. Arsenal: New signings, new formations

So after a much tensed week (atleast for me), the final team roster for Arsenal was finally released on Friday morning as the EPL transfer window came to a close last Thursday. Bad start this season but no worries. Things are about to get real hot at the Gunners Camp.

Cole out, Gallas in. Woohoo!!!! In place of a controversy ridden discontented lately underperforming turn-coat left-back, we got an excellent and enthusiastic fresh centre-back replacement, plus £5 million in transfer fees! How cool is that. And with Wenger, Henry, Diaby, Flamini, Clichy and Aliadière all French, Gallas is bound to have an amazing chemistry with the team.

No doubt what Arsenal needs right now are new defense signings. The loss of Vièra was costly. Too costly. From creating the EPL record of the longest run of unbeaten League matches (49) in 2003-04, we were reduced to a Club struggling to barely qualify for a UEFA CL spot. But the young Gunners once again justified why I am their most ardent and loyal fan, by reaching the Finals of the UEFA Champions League ’06, setting a new CL record on the way by playing 10 straight matches without conceding a single goal!

Another new signing, Czech Tomáš Rosický, already spotted and signed by Arsène Wenger way before the rest of the World came to know who he was after he scored two goals against USA in the last World Cup, is a formidable force at the Midfield/Forward sector. With Pires and Bergkamp gone, he can fill the void they left behind (I am comparing him with the Bergkamp-of-current-form, not the once-upon-a-time-God-Bergkamp).

Many people say Henry is God. Nah. To me, he is just a Demigod. The real true God of Arsenal is Arsène Wenger. The Club’s first non-English non-Scottish Manager in its history, Wenger is a Maestro when it comes to spotting future talents. When I first started supporting for Arsenal, Henry was still on his way to stardom. The people who really caught my eye then (around 1999-2000) were players like Emmanuel Petite, Kanu, Bergkamp, Keown, Parlour and good ’ol David Seaman (hehehe). I had just missed the Ian Wright era. Wenger made Henry what he is today. And believe me, Van Persie and Walcott are going to be the next Thierry Henry (I just don’t like the way young Walcott is currently being over-hyped unnecessarily by the media).

Another new signing, Júlio Baptista (aka The Beast), on a loan exchange from Real Madrid, is an attacking Midfielder known for his power shots from long distance. Although he won’t do justice to the role that Vièra used to play (which was more defensive), I think it was a good deal to exchange him for another unhappy player Jose Antonio Reyes (plus £3 mil). Reyes was a good deal but I felt he underperformed at Highbury. I guess EPL isn’t for everybody. Look at how eager he is to get back to Spanish football. Wish you all the best Reyes.

Then there was a rumour for sometime that Arsenal was planning to buy Tevez. Hehe, when the final list came out on Friday morning, I wasn’t surprised at all to find him (and package-deal partner Mascherano) not at Arsenal. But yeah I was bloody hell shocked to find them both at West Ham. Read here and here for the various conspiracy theories and discussions that developed immediately after this transfer. I mean, two players worth more than £50 mil are bought for £5 mil each, that too by a Club like West Ham? Sure I know WHU used to have players like Rio, Lampard, Joe Cole, Defoe, Kanoute, Glen Johnson and Carrick before, but do take a look at their current squad now. You catch my drift?

I truly believe in the Conspiracy Theory, that since these two players are owned by Media Sports Investment (MSI), either they’re planning a West Ham takeover or Chelsea’s Big Boss Abramovich who has a 15% stake made sure the two players moved to any Club as long as they are not Arsenal, ManUtd, Liverpool or the other biggies. Because Abramovich now knows very well after the Gallas episode that he cannot keep stacking up all the good players at Chelsea as they become discontented after some time even if he offers to triple their pay or a season starting line-up chance (See, some players still have passion for the game and aren’t entirely driven by money), so now he is distributing the good players to smaller Clubs before the bigger Clubs lay their hands on them. Just like the way he outbid us on SWP last year with his dirty roubles when we needed him badly, and then hardly played him at all during the season. Bastard! He has truly prostitutionalized (don’t even know if that’s a legit word ) the entire EPL.

Anyway, Arsenal is not that desperate to get additional attackers right now. I am truly happy for the Hammers and wish them all the best. For the Gunners, with strikers like Henry, RVP, Adebayor, Aliadière and young Walcott, and others like Baptista, Rosický, Ljungberg, Fàbregas, Gilberto, Flamini etc all capable of attacking, more concentration should be given to defense. With the three most prominent Arsenal defenders of my era MF Vièra, Campbell and Cole now all gone, it is up to the new signings and Arsenal youth to provide a strong defense line at the back.

And oh, before I conclude, the last signing of this transfer window, young Brazilian Denilson (Brazil U-19 Captain). The moment you read this, I’m sure any Arsenal fan will immediately think “Ah, good ’ol Wenger, thinking of the future again aye?”.

With that, the first team of Arsenal for the year 2006-07 are forwards Henry, Van Persie, Adebayor, Aliadière and Walcott, midfielders Gilberto, Fàbregas, Rosický, Hleb, Song, Ljungberg, Baptista, Denilson and Flamini, defenders Touré, Clichy, Senderos, Lauren, Djourou, Eboué, Hoyte and Connolly, goal keepers Lehmann, Almunia and Poom.

According to this article by Jonathan Northcroft, Arsenal sold Cygan for £2, exchanged Cole for Gallas plus £5, exchanged Reyes for Baptista plus £3, bought Denilson for £3.5

Arsenal finished the day with £6.6m in their pockets, the best defender in the Premiership in their squad, both “the Brazilian Steven Gerrard” and Brazil’s youth captain arriving, and two underperforming players and a malcontent off their books. If they ever remake The Sting, Wenger and Dein should get the Robert Redford and Paul Newman parts.

Hehe. Wordddd! “Some people” prefer to buy the Title, while we Gunners prefer to do it the old fashion way: through hard-work, discipline, dedication and determination. Add loyalty to that list too.

Over the past eight transfer windows Arsenal’s spend has been £63.9m, while Chelsea have paid out £325.7m, Manchester United £117.7m and Liverpool £95.6m. It’s easy to get swept away by the thrill of the purchase. Any shopper knows it’s only when you return home and open up the bags that you see what you have actually got. Some clubs may have felt pangs of regret the moment the deadline passed on Thursday night. At the Emirates stadium they couldn’t believe their luck.

All I can imagine now is Wenger sitting all alone on the plush leather sofa in his huge private office with the lights dimmed and a glass of scotch in one hand while rubbing his chin with the other, absentmindedly staring at the Arsenal Team Photo hanging on the wall while grinning devilishly all to himself… Hehehe…

My ideal starting line-up:

--------------------------- Lehmann -------------------------

Eboue ---------- Toure ----------- Gallas ---------- Clichy

Van Persie --- Fabregas -------- Gilberto ------- Rosicky

---------------- Baptista ----------- Henry -----------------

Imagine the impact this attack would have on the opponents. Ah! Sheer power!



While Clichy is out, Flamini can play in his spot, but once Senderos is back, will Wenger play him at CB and push Gallas to LB? Only Wenger knows…

Another formation that Wenger can keep as the starting 11, taking into consideration his favorite 4-4-2 formation and his preference over either Hleb or Ljungberg playing at right.



Anyway, as I fiddled around with my hands on Paint Shop Pro™, I got a bit carried away as it was really easy to move the players around. So I came up with a couple of other “formations” for various other occasions. Hehehe.

This one is the formation of the Gunners when the play was disrupted by a naked male streaker running into the football ground.



Abramovich and Mourinho ran after the streaker immediately to sign him up for the Chelsea squad, just for the heck of it, since they have the money.

Meanwhile, confusion and chaos at the Manchester United Camp.



Clockwise from top:

1. Tim Howard, still pissed off on being replaced by Van der Sar while being loaned to Everton, came out in the field to roughen him up.
2. Winker Ronaldo being chased by angry English fans. As he ran, he simultaneously did three of his favorite actions: winking, crying and stumbling.
3. Brown and Heinze doing something useful for the Club finally by carrying out teammate druggie Rio on a stretcher as he’s “totally wasted” from last night’s drug binge with a couple of friends.
4. Abramovich, under a disguise, spying on the players on who to poach next.
5. Angry boy Rooney watching the match from the stands because he was slapped with a 6 match ban, right after returning from his 5 match ban.
6. Giggs dancing infront of the fans for winning the first three matches of the League even though they lost the next 10 games after that.
7. Disgruntled former Captain Keane hurling out abuses at the current team while cops try to restrain him.
8. The Neville brothers fighting because Gary made fun of dirty Phil again for being dropped from the team. Daddy Neville trying to stop them from fighting while mummy Neville looks on.
9. And finally, Sir Alex and owner Yank Glazer. Well, it’s just a picture so I leave it up to you to use your imagination.

While Old Trafford was in complete disarray, at the “Chelsea Only” members meeting held at Stamford Bridge, London, organizers panicked because there were not enough chairs to seat all the players as the number of members were far more than the number of people estimated according to the “official” record.



So there you go. Hope you found it entertaining (or exasperating for all ye ManUtd and Chelsea suckers).

Gunnerssssss for life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chp 91. RIP Steve Irwin. We'll miss you.

Animal Planet, one of my all time favorite channels, has taught me so many things about animals that no text books or magazines will ever do. I learnt so much about wildlife, like how chameleons can move their eyes in opposite directions at the same time, that crocodiles cannot stick their tongues out, that a baby wildebeest learn how to walk and run within a couple of minutes from birth, the lifestyle of a komodo dragon with its bacteria infested mouth, that kangaroos can jump over 30 feet, which snakes are venomous and which are not, what to do when bitten by a snake, or when surrounded by a pack of hungry hyenas, that when a Python or Boa start coiling around you, you must first protect your chest and make sure they don’t get to that part, that a snail can sleep for 3 years, and (the ladies will love this one) that lipsticks are made from slimy stinky fish scales!

My favorite documentaries from Animal Planet are “The Crocodile Hunter Diaries”, “The Croc Files” and “New Breed Vets”, all featuring the legendary Steve Irwin.

Today, I got an sms from a friend “Dude, Steve Irwin passed away. The Crocodile man. Check news channel”. Damn! I ran downstairs immediately to the Cyber Café (We have only National news channels on TV here. No BBC, no CNN ) where my worst fear was confirmed. The Queensland Police released this official statement about his sad demise.

According to news report, Steve Irwin was stung by a Stingray while filming an underwater documentary in the Great Barrier Reef off the Low Isles near Port Douglas, north of Cairns, Queensland, Australia. It was reported that he was stung either through his heart or through the left side of his chest, causing a fatal wound.

Man, I really am going to miss him. How can anyone ever forget his “crikey” exclamations? To those who are not fascinated about Mother Nature and the surrounding Wildlife, they might not even know him. But to someone like me, it is indeed a sad loss.

It is because of Steve Irwin that a guy like me can now identify how an Australian accent sounds like. He was the first Australian celebrity I came to know of, long before learning about John Howard in our GK text books or watching Luc Longley play basketball for the Chicago Bulls during the days of Jordan.

Steve Irwin is no stranger to controversies. I still remember that incident a couple of years ago when he came under fire for feeding a Croc while holding his baby-son in the other hand. Although I agree he shouldn’t have endangered the baby’s life like that no matter how experienced he was among the Crocs, I found it utterly ridiculous that people compared that incident to MJ’s baby-dangling incident. Those two incidents are on two completely different levels of irresponsibility. Anyway, thankfully, good ’ol Steve never repeated that again.

He has appeared in Dr.Dolittle2 as himself. He is probably the most popular face in Animal TV. You should watch “New Breed Vets”. My sis and I usually spend our lazy Sunday afternoons watching that show. The show deals with how people (usually zoo officials) take care of animals like chimps, tigers etc who have problems. I’m sure “Irwinites” all over the World must be taking this tragedy very hard. My utmost condolences to you all.

Rest in Peace, Steve. You have risked your life time and again just to entertain and educate us. Maybe we, the barbaric spectators around the bloody Arena, are to be blamed too for encouraging you to put yourself in the jaws of danger for the umpteenth time, but then, with a passion like yours, who can stop you? Just like how Jackie Chan would never stop doing those life threatening crazy stunts because we find it entertaining, neither would you. You play with fire, you get burnt. I raise my glass to you Steve. You will always be remembered, and your legacy passed on forever.