Chp 267. Wedding Planner: The Prep

These past two days felt like a month. I’ve never been this tired. Apart from the wedding work, there’s the exhausting task of being in charge of the house renovation.

I had to manage three different groups of workers – the painters, the masons and the welders.

If I’m not driving to the paint shop to get more paints that “suddenly” ran out, I’m at the quarry-shop transporting cement, sand and glazed-tiles for the masons. The dickey and back seat of my Wagon R is now covered with sand, cement and paint.



My hands and legs are still bruised from all the carrying and mixing of cement etc. A bag of cement weighs 50kgs, and there’s no proper grip on the sand and cement bags. This is what we’re doing to our garage. New floors. Looks pretty neat now.



Each row of tile requires 3 sacks of sand and 1 sack of cement. That’s +200kg of sweat and toil, multiplied by 10. But at the end of the day, boy it feels great to say, this is my house, I built it with my bare hands.


Wedding cards pain, again!

Yes, we eventually ordered a couple of hundred more wedding invitation cards because the 700 we ordered ran out! Our relatives from all over Aizawl bombarded us with, “Hey you missed out this guy or that girl who’s married to one of our somebody’s somebody who’s a blood relative” etc etc.

And so, the mad cycle of placing a new order for more wedding cards, folding them, writing the names, distributing them etc began again.


Planning the wedding ceremony:

If it weren’t for relatives, I would feel like Perez Hilton at an Amish convention. I had absolutely no idea what was to be done, but my uncles, aunts and mom’s cousins came to the rescue. They were as involved as we were.

It’s not as simple as, “ok let’s conduct a wedding and be done with it.” Nopes. Its way more complicated. Here are the basic things I’ve learnt:

The KTP (Christian Youth Fellowship) plays an extremely important role. They will be there during the wedding as ushers in the church (to make sure everybody’s seated properly and in order, and that they walk out of the church in an orderly fashion), parking attendants / valet (very important, especially with Aizawl’s congested small roads and heavy traffic jams), and also as the choir during the wedding service.

The KTP refreshment committee may be the most important of them all, as they will be making tea along with the snacks and constructing counters outside the church so that once the wedding is over, people can come out and take tea/snacks from the counters. I am not a tea drinker, but one thing is for sure: Mizos loveeeee tea.

The counters have to be made in such a way that there are 4 different options for the people, as every person has their own preference about the way they take their tea:

1. A sen hang (black tea, no sugar)
   
2. A sen thlum (black tea with sugar)
   
3. A paw hang (Tea with milk, no sugar)
   
4. A paw thlum (Tea with milk and sugar)

Yes I know what you’re thinking - “Why don’t they just make four counters with the same “black tea, no sugar”, and then add milk or sugar on-the-spot according to what the person likes, instead of making 4 counters with different content as it might lead to wastage of a particular type or a demand for one type that’s no longer there?”

Inventory management indeed. Even I asked that same question, and the answer I got was that people move along the line much faster and that they expect to be served directly this way due to this practice being followed at every function. Funny people, these tea drinkers are For us coffee lovers, its funny to see people making such a big mountain over something so tasteless… (bring it on, you tea drinkers, gimme ur best shot Banzaiiiiiiiii! )

Then there is the cleaning committee, for which my cousin H and I are directly in charge of. It will be our duty to provide dustbins and waste bags at the Church complex and later collect all the wastes (paper cups and plates) and make sure the area is spotlessly clean. We’ll also have to hire a small truck that will carry the waste packages and dispose them at the garbage dump.

Regarding the KTP choir mentioned above, the choir members will be learning a new song for this occasion alone, and since the fellowship is on a voluntary basis, they can learn and practice only in the night after they are done with their school/college/work. And for that, we have to provide the refreshments which include tea (again) and other snacks.

Other people not to miss out are the video-cameramen and professional photographers. Since dad is bed ridden, I was planning to connect a LIVE feed of the church wedding ceremony directly from the church to his TV in his room. I talked to Simjazz and he told me it’s possible as long as the distance from our house to the church is not more than 100 metres. It gets complicated if it’s more than that. It’s approximately 100m away but when I told mom about this plan she said it will only discourage dad from making an attempt to be present during the ceremony so I shouldn’t mention this to him. So this operation is on a standby.

Then there is the practice of inviting celebrity gospel singers to grace us with a song or two. The two singers we invited – Vanlalsailova and Maggie will both be out of station on that date, and Pi Vanhlupuii has a lot of near and dear ones who passed away recently so she said she’ll be there for the wedding (she’s mom’s friend) but she’s not in that right frame of mind to sing a happy wedding song. Hence we are still looking for singers to invite.

Last but not the least, there is the task of decorating and other interior designing work which are undertaken by mom’s cousin Upa Zosangzuala (“UPA” means “Church elder”) and his wife. I went with them to the ceremonial hall (meant for the after-church function) and measured the tables meant for serving tea and snacks (so that a beautiful table cover can be stitched), the frames (where a large “Mazami weds Nicholas” will be printed), the sofa set where the newly weds will be sitting down (so that we can buy or stitch new sofa covers etc) and many more.

They also brought beautiful cane baskets meant for placing the flowers and wedding presents. All in all, these past two days felt like labour camp, keeping me tired and occupied till 2 in the morning. Yeah, staying up till 2am back in Mumbai may be normal, but it is a HUGE deal here in Mizoram because the sun freaking rises at 4:30 in the morning. Since we’re a part of India, we have to follow Indian Standard Time, but keep in mind we’re on the other side of Bangladesh, so we’re around 2 hours ahead of Mumbai, theoretically speaking.

Tonight before sleeping, we’ll also have to plan who’s going to pick up the groom and his family from the airport when they land in Aizawl tomorrow. Eight big English folks. Definitely not something easy to manage.

Ending this post with two pictures taken from my room today and last night. I promised Giddiyaja some breathtaking pictures of Aizawl scenery, but with the current weather, things are far from picturesque. :-(


[with mist]


[without mist]

Chp 266. Wedding Planner: Invitations!

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Took this snap last night around 11pm. Aizawl covered in mist takes my breath away even at night. The hazy steps that you see above leads to my house from my best friend’s place. I was hanging out with our gang till 11’ish discussing about the wedding, planning the bachelor party and finalizing my “special invitation” card.

Yesterday we managed to send out all the wedding invitations. Here’s the Mizo “method” of sending out wedding invitations:

1. Bunch the wedding cards together according to similar area/locality.
   
2. Go over to a relative’s place and ask him/her to distribute the cards meant for people in his/her locality.
   
3. If there are no relatives at a particular locality, then we call upon our closest friend living in that area.
   
4. There is always somebody you know extremely well at every locality, after all, this is Mizoram we’re talking about

Likewise, when a cousin from another locality gets married, it is our duty to personally distribute their wedding cards that are for people in our locality.

More than 50% of the invitees are from my locality. The other day I was just sitting and listening to my aunts and uncles building up the list, and I am still amazed at the number of people they know. They seem to know more or less each and every single person in my locality!

In Mumbai or any other place, we might happen to know our flat neighbours, but do you know every single person in your apartment? I live in Andheri, and this would be like I know all the residents of Andheri right from the vada-pav walla who sleeps in a small shack by the road to the dude who lives in a penthouse apartment behind, and what they do and who they’re married to! This is something you’ll find only in a close knitted society like ours.

Special Invitation:

This is where the siblings of the future groom or bride come in. We send out “special invitations” to our friends, even if their folks have already received the official wedding invitation from us. This is to show that they (our friends) are more special than the other invitees because they are our friends.

Even during the wedding they will hold important positions in helping and managing the wedding. The special invitees are like a bunch of bouncers at a night club whose role is to see that everything rolls smoothly.

Being the “do things differently” person that I am, I designed this simple invitation instead of the usual formal invitation that most people make, like “You are cordially invited to attend my sister’s wedding on blah blah blah”. Having learnt a few PS tricks @ webchutney, I came up with this simple design and this is what I’ll be distributing to all my friends. It’s in greyscale as I’ll be printing it on a white paper.

Here is one such copy to you, my dear blog reader. You are invited to attend my sister’s wedding! Hugz.



The content is in Mizo, and it basically translates into, “I’m really expecting your presence at the wedding.”

I’ll catch you all later as there are like a gazillion other things I still gotta do today. Cheers.

Chp 265. Wedding Planner: Diesel and Petrol.

What’s dirty greasy intoxicating diesel and petrol got to do with the wedding, you may wonder. Well, absolutely nothing, until my irritating (but adorable) cousin had to announce to the whole wide world what I did today.

So there she was, my cousin Mimi (à la “My cousin Vinny”! Lolz) tagging me on facebook with her comment: “Kima De Mizohican what's the difference between Petrol and Diesel? hyuk hyuk hyuk.. should i tell our mutual frens..hehehehe, or are u gonna blog about it? :-D Lo leng vat rawh!”

Yeah… so a funny thing happened to me today. One of those “unique goof-ups only I am capable of doing” as my friends would say - I filled diesel in my petrol car!!!!



Ok before you judge me or anything, it was like this. My sister, the one who is getting married, had to go shopping and she was in a real hurry.

Remember my old Wagon R I was talking about in my previous post? The one that my brother-in-law and I brought back to life yesterday after nearly 6 months of inactivity, with an empty fuel box and moulds growing all over the seat covers? Yeah, the same car. So since I had to take my sis shopping, I shouted from downstairs, “Mom, do we have petrol?”

You see, my folks, like most Mizo folks who own a car, store at least 5-10 litres of petrol in case of any emergency because the fuel supply in Mizoram stop now and then. Mom was too busy with a couple of aunts finalizing the guest list for the wedding, so she screamed back, “Yessss. It’s in the store room.”

So I went to the store room, saw a huge plastic cylinder and opened it. It definitely smelt like fuel so I poured 5 litres out in a smaller container, took that to the car and refilled it. After that, my car, which had a lot of sweet fond memories, ignited with passion… vroooooommm!

It was then that our servant came running to the garage to tell me that dad was calling me. I went upstairs to meet dad. He asked me one simple question, “Are you sure you filled petrol?”

I said… “yeah, what else could it be?” He replied, “duh, Diesel?”

It was then that I realized our other vehicle Bolero, runs on diesel. Aaargh. I ran downstairs again, called one of my aunt’s driver Chhama, who confirmed that what I filled in the car was not petrol but diesel!!!!!!

So there you have it. I freaking filled diesel in my petrol car.

What do you do if you fill diesel in a petrol car by mistake? Especially if you’ve already started the car? Here’s what I learnt today:

1. Call a mechanic immediately.

2. He will drain your fuel tank. He goes under the car with a couple of wrenches and screwdrivers, opens up the fuel line and then puts a container (bottle, large bucket, anything) under it.

3. He switches on the ignition, stops, repeats. This way, every time the ignition is turned on, fuel is injected, which actually falls to the open bucket lying below.

4. After a few minutes, the entire fuel tank is drained.

5. He gets under the car again, puts every nut and bolt back into place.

6. Now fill the tank with petrol. Real petrol.

7. Start the car. The car is now consuming pure petrol. But don’t forget about the diesel it had consumed earlier.

8. Drive the car to the nearest workshop.

9. There, the mechanics will clean your engine, purify the spark plug and ignition which is already corroded by diesel substances. A “carburetor gas” spray which costs around 200 bucks is used to clean various parts of the engine.

10. Tah dahhh. Your car is now as good as new.

But of course this whole process took me around 5 hours, so I eventually didn’t do any wedding work today. We were supposed to go to all our relatives’ places today to distribute the wedding cards but unfortunately, this blooper changed all our plans.

But tomorrow will be another day. I have learnt the difference between petrol and diesel (comon, give me a break. I was brought up in the Metros, and I’m sure many of my non-Mizo friends won’t be able to tell the difference between diesel and petrol. After all, we never fill the fuel ourselves. We just drive to a fuel stop and tell the attendants to fill petrol or diesel and they do so accordingly.)

And of course if I fill two glasses with petrol and diesel and ask my dear cousin Mimi to tell me which is which, I can bet Opa’s ass that she won’t be able to give me the correct answer.

Cheers.

Chp 264. Wedding Planner: Wedding cards pain!

My second day at work and I am already so tired! I knew this whole wedding planner stuff was going to be hard, but I had no idea it was this tough. Last night I was too exhausted to update what took place during the first day, because I hit snoozeville the moment I got on my bed.

My brother in law bought the wedding cards from the printer yesterday, around 700 of them! Our first job was to take each individual invitation, keep them in the second cover and neatly fold it over the invitation, and finally insert it in the envelope.

Yeah, the cards came in three pieces and it might sound easy just folding it and inserting it, right? Wrong. Try doing it continuously for 100 such cards and you’d find sanity slowing slipping away… tick tock tick tock…

I think I managed to do around 250 cards… the rest my cousins and friends came over and helped. Cheers to them.

Here is a pic of my best friend T and one of my cousins packing the cards…


(Ps. Yeah you see the laptop? That’s me doing some office related work at the same time!)

Doing all the folding and insertion monotonously for hours kinda reminded me of those illegal sweat shops. And the fact that we were served bread and tea every half an hour made it even feel more like we were exploited!

And once we were done, it was time to start writing the invitees’ names on the wedding card. Ah, the writing. Mom prohibited me from writing because I didn’t know anybody in Aizawl as I’m hardly here.

Here’s the scenario. More friends, cousins and aunties came over in the night. Friends and cousins had a pen and list of names of a particular locality, while the aunties monitored 2-3 writers. So when the writers look at the list, they usually know who the person is, and the aunts are always there to clarify any doubt. As for me, I didn’t know anybody, so I was more likely to make mistakes, hence the reason I wasn’t allowed to write. Nevertheless, I wrote the complete list for Dawrpui Veng and Zarkawt locality. Yay!



Sometimes I am still amazed at how many people my folks know, while I hardly know anybody in Mizoram apart from my online Mizo friends

Another tough task was writing out the list of “Man ei”. I will explain this in another post. So there I was running around yesterday finalizing the list of people for the “man ei” and getting a printout etc.

My sister meanwhile went with “oooh Baby” her bridesmaid (actually, its “u Baby” – “u” pronounced “ooh” in our language, is the respect you give to somebody older than you, and baby is her pet name) and the two of them went cake tasting.

Yesterday and today there’s a Taxi strike in Mizoram so that definitely did not make things easier for us. My bro-in-law and I managed to bring back to life my old Wagon R, which had been lying unused for months. The seat covers even had moulds growing all over them! Lolz.

Apart from the usual wedding work and office related work, there’s also the household work. I miss Mumbai where we could just order gas. Yesterday, my maid and nephew stood in line the whole morning just to collect gas (cylinders). I had to run to them all the way from my house just to give them umbrellas because it started raining.

And then we were renovating our house and giving it a new color - changing it from green to light brown, and it looked much better this way. Can’t help laughing at my bro-in-law who said the the light brown is much better than the green because the green looked like we were using some left over paints from the Forest Department. Lolz.

Yesterday, around 10 painters turned up, and halfway through the painting, it started raining so everything looks messy right now!!! And of course, as it is in our culture, we had to provide the labourers with tea and snacks etc so with everything else going on, it was indeed a hectic day for us.

And of course, my bedroom, the master bedroom in our house which had been unoccupied, had no electricity! So me and u Liana (electrician cum somebody I’ve treated as my elder bro since I was born) tried to fix it. Something’s wrong with the phases connected through the inverter line. Today we are planning to get to the bottom of it.

Another chaotic day coming up, so I will end this post now. Cheers everyone. Gotta runnnnnnn!

Chp 263. Wedding Planner: The saga begins!

Today is my last day at work

Yeah, I’m going home this weekend to my sweet paradise Mizoram! Yipeeeeeee. Home sweet home, here I come.

But unlike other vacations, this time it’s going to be different. I’m going home to oversee and arrange my sister’s wedding! So there will definitely be no relaxing and leisure. Instead, it will be one of the most hectic moments of my life.

Meet the wedding planner!

This is something I’ve never done before and it’s going to be an entirely new playground. Of course my uncles, cousins, friends, the KTP (Christian Youth Fellowship) etc are always there for guidance and to help me out, but as it is in our culture, the bulk of the administration and decision making will rest on my head (or so I’m told).

With dad bed-ridden, I will even be giving away my sister at the Church ceremony during the “Here comes the bride” moment. I can’t remember the last time I wore a tux.

Hence I will be starting a series of post entitled “The Wedding Planner” where I will be giving you (if possible, daily) updates on what exactly goes on at a traditional Mizo wedding, and one of inter-cultural, inter-racial ceremony since the groom’s side is English.

For my dear non-Mizo friends, this is a chance for you to see a Mizo wedding. I’ll take you through all the traditions still religiously followed right down to the nitty-gritty of it. Stuff like the custom of sending a Palai (somebody who officially goes to the girl’s side on the groom’s behalf to ask for the daughter’s hand), the bride price exchange etc etc. Even though the guy is English, my folks are adamant on sticking to traditions

It’s not going to be easy for me, but like I said, there are a couple of really close friends I grew up with in my locality (Chaltlang) and we have been inseparable ever since, even though I hardly spend my time in Mizoram.

Here is a recent pic of us, all grown up and fat, but still trying to be young. Lolz. The last time I went home, our local basketball tournament was going on so we participated! We came second. Haha.



The people you see below are the ones who will be helping me out with the wedding. Some of them are already fathers or even divorced, but we still hang out as if nothing has changed between us.



So wish me all the best in this and I assure you, there will be lots of photographs update.

My sister, the one who is getting married, has already reached home. And as always, she bought new Arsenal goodies for me when she landed in Mumbai 3 days ago:


[Click on pic for high resolution]

Thanx @ Shukz babe for the pics. Also, here is me trying to teach Vee about football. But alas, I realized it was hopeless when she asked me if Arsenal’s playing in the World Cup.



So, cheers you guys. I’ll see ya all online once I reach Mizoram. (Yes, apart from all the wedding tasks, I am also taking home office work, so I’ll be dealing with my clients and teams all the way from there through the magic of TATA Indicom photon USB dongle)

Last but not the least, a big congratulations to my brother Jimmy, admin of lawrkhawm, who finally became a father yesterday. He’s not my real bro of course, but I’ve always treated him as one ever since we met online years ago. And he eventually ended up marrying my cousin, so I couldn’t think of a better father for my nephew, except for the fact that Jimmy’s uber fugly. Tahdaaa!

Chp 262. Children’s party - Love 'em, hate 'em.

Last Saturday I went to a 5-year-old’s birthday “party”. It was the second kid’s birthday I went to in a span of few weeks. Kinda makes me feel quite old. You look around and all your friends are already sending their kids to school, college etc and here I am, playing the good ‘ol uncle Kim, bachelor and loving it.

The thing about such children parties is that… you hate it, but you have to go because of your friend.

Some time ago, my friend Michael-the-pilot celebrated his son’s birthday. It was quite fun, as there were a lot of singles in that party.



And of course the birthday cake had to be in the shape of an aeroplane, so that Michael may one day see his son grow up to be like him. After all, that’s what most fathers want their sons to be, right? To be just like them. I pity Neil Armstrong’s son back in the 70s



And the best part of that birthday party? When us men became boys! We spent that entire night playing with all the birthday presents. After the party, most of the people left, except for our close circle of friends. And after opening all the presents which were mostly remote-controlled toy cars, we actually raced with each other etc around the house. All the women and wives sighed, but we didn’t care! Michael himself was the most excited (!) and we eventually christened that night as Michael’s birthday, not his son’s. I went home around 5 in the morning, fingers aching badly from all the racing and trying to out-do each other with “stunts”. Hihihi.


But of course that was not the end of my journey across kid parties. In fact it’s just beginning, I believe.

Last Saturday was Perween and Samit’s son Faham’s 5th birthday. And so there we were, our entire gang, at the function with gifts in our hands that Faham will never remember for the rest of his life that it was us who gave him those gifts.

Some of you may know who little Faham is. Go to Google. Click on image search and type: “Manori beach” and hit enter. The first image that you see of a young child on the first page result, yeah, that is little Faham.


[ Source: illusionaire: Chp 77. Manori Beach ]

This birthday party was more “matured” and organized. A professional MC and DJ were even hired and they really played their role well. The MC took all the kids through various games while involving the moms now and then.



That’s Faham with Perween above, about to take part in one of the games. Perween as usual challenged the MC’s authority and changed a couple of rules as the game proceeded. After all, we don’t call her MONICA for nothing.

Yeah, our gang just loves playing various games like Dumb Charades and Pictionary. When we hang out on one of those slow lazy Mumbai Sunday afternoons for a pot lunch (where everyone brings one particular dish and we put them all together and hog) we always play a game or two, divided into two teams. Perween and my sister are ALWAYS on the opposite team that I am in, and OUR TEAM ALWAYS WINS! Wooohooo.

And Monica, I mean Perween, will always try to change the rules of the game or disallow us from doing certain things. And just like in the sit-com Friends, we have to be cautious if she’s holding a plate or glass while trying to make a statement.

Some of us that day:


And here is one brief look at one of the games that involved both the kids and mummies:



The one closest to the camera frame is Faham’s granny Chesty-aunty the most fun and bubbly grandma I’ve ever known! She’s always on my team, the winning team, and she is wickedly badass. The two of us can kick anyone’s ass in Dumb C or Pictionary.

Also met Mohit, a batchmate of mine from B-School, who married L who was a part of our gang. Small world indeed.

There are loads of other photos from that birthday party, where all the kids had an amazing time playing various games and we adults had a great time watching them. But as I’ve been told, it is unethical to put up photographs of children whose parents I don’t know or without taking permission first. So I guess these three photographs shall suffice.

50% of the time I was next to the chaat-wala, having unlimited puchka and other chaats, followed by a badam or pista kulfi. I hardly touched the other scrumptious snacks available.

All in all, those two birthday parties were two memorable experiences. Something that most single adults dread going to, and at the same time enjoy the party. We belong to a very complicated breed of people, and I guess marriage may let me see this whole business of children’s parties in a completely different light. Until then, this is me signing out.

Chp 261. An ode to Old Monk!

LoLz. I know I haven’t updated my blog at all due to hardcore campaigning on a couple of new brands for the past one month. Anyway, I was just digging through my drive and saw this old post of mine which I didn’t post eventually.

It’s an ode to Old Monk. lolz. Yeah, there was no supply of Old Monk rum in Mumbai some time ago. None of the wine shops had it, and the only place where one could get this rum was at expensive pubs and restobars.

But soon after I wrote this post, Old Monk was back in full swing in the market, so there was no point posting it. But then, I did spend a lot of time writing this post, and since there had been no post for quite some time, let me just post this just for the sake of posting. lolz. Cheers.

And hope you guys can appreciate the humor (if you do find it), and not judge me


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Old Monk, Old Monk, where art thou?


There’s no longer happiness in my soul. Ever since my best friend, Mr. Old Monk died, my life had become an endless journey of self pity and depression.



Nearly a month has gone by, and Old Monk Rum is still extremely scarce here in Mumbai. Gone are the days when every wine shop used to stack them up neatly on their shelves, glimmering proudly from above, as if they are shouting out to you, “Pick meee, pick meeeeee! Forget that snobbish Sula wine above, or that flaky bottle of vodka, or the snooty whisky bottle below. I am here for you, and only you. I am even ready to take a bullet for you!!!”

Old Monk. My teacher. My companion. My blood brother. They said you’re leaving me… Quo vadis?

One bar owner told me you were stopped because you’re undergoing a “renovation” of some sort and that you will be back in the market soon with a new branding, new logo + symbol, new content, and new MRP.

Oh no!

So that means no more “7 years old aged rum”? No more seeing that fat baldy old man in the logo who had been an inspiration to me in my deepest darkest hours? I don’t care about the MRP because the cost defers from place to place. Old Monk full bottle (750ml) costs around 130 bucks in Bangalore, 240 in Mumbai and around 220 in Delhi. And of course less than 100 bucks in Daman & Diu and Goa, while it is 700+ bucks in Mizoram (ze black markets… that’s what my friends tell me ).

But why deprive us of this drink?

I know, Old Monk isn’t exactly the type of drink that sells like hot cake at a posh restobar. Or the type that can get you laid if you think your drink can impress a woman and suddenly make her feel… Paris Hiltony. It’s all in the drink, buddy.

But Old Monk has been there for me through thick and thin. Hence, this is a post dedicated to you, Old Monk my friend. For being there when I needed to clear my head and write a blog post, or for getting me kicked out of B-School. Lolz.


Here you go, Old Monk. Some favorite goodbye songs of mine. with their lyrics altered, specially for you. A parody.




Sing to the tune of "Leaving on a Jet Plane" by John Denver.


All my mugs are cracked
I’m ready to die
I’m standing here outside the bar
I hate to go home without any drink
But the dawn is breaking
Its early morn
My bro is waiting
He’s watching some porn
Already I’m so sober
I could die

So binge me and pour for me
Tell me that you’ll fill me up
Fill me like I’ve never drank before
Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane
Don’t know when you’ll be back again
Old Monk, I hate to go…



Sing to the tune of "Wake me up when September Ends" by Greenday.


Some gurl has come and passed
passed out on my bedroom floor
Wake me up when this dry drought ends

Did you know that Old Monk’s stopped
seven weeks has gone so slow
Wake me up when this nightmare ends

Here comes the waiter again
offering me vodka
Drenched in draught beer again
wishing that it was rum

As my memory dies
but never forgets what I drank
Wake me up when Old Monk is back.




Sing to the tune of "Goodbye To Romance" by Ozzy Osbourne.


A dry day has been and gone
Tomorrow will I find Old Monk
or will it pain?
Everybody's having rum
Except me, I'm the lonely one
There’s no Old Monk.

I say goodbye to Old Monk, yeah
Goodbye to friends, I dare you
Goodbye to all the booze
I guess that we'll binge
We'll binge in the end




Sing to the tune of "Goodbye" by Air Supply.


I can see the veins popping in your eyes
And I know how hard you drink
You deserve to have one more shot.
I can smell your burp and I sympathize
Cops doing breath analyze
Oh it’ll never smell the same.

I don't wanna gulp you down
I don't wanna bottoms up
i don't wanna drink it all
Coz then you might vanish

You would never ask me why
My fart is so disguised
I just can't live so dry anymore
I would rather leave Mumbai
Than to ever change my brand
There's nothing left to drink but McDow.


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Cheers!

Related reading: An ode to Vodka.

Chp 260. And the witch-hunt continues…

So is Sunday morning a terrible day for my fellow Gooners?

I had a bunch of wankers texting me and calling me up all night long, just to annoy the hell out of me. And of course I had to pick up those calls even though I knew what was coming. After all, they’re my friends and I would have done the same thing to them too had it been a different score line.

But a couple of Manure fans said I write football topic posts on my blog only when Arsenal wins. Well, this is to prove you wrong, and mind you, I am not doing this just to prove you guys wrong. I haven’t updated my blog at all this month due to work, and I really meant to update my blog about the match, win or lose.

See, first of all, Arsenal fans aren’t like Manure fans.

If we lose, we suck it up and still hold our heads high. We have pride about the fact that we support the greatest football club in the Universe. And the fact that there are still a large number of Gooners even after a couple of years with no silverware clearly shows how loyal and devoted we are to this magnificent club. Manure is filled with wannabes and losers, who are ready to change their color the moment the losses start piling up.

Likewise, not one single Gooner defended Eduardo’s dive during the second leg CL qualifying against Celtic. We abhor such act and deem it disgraceful. Why? Because we are true football fans. We have integrity. What about all those dives Manure players are infamously known for? Well, Manure fans endorse that kinda behavior and even glorify them. You see where I’m getting at? The fine line that demarcates Gunners and Manure fans, the difference between real football fans and cunts.

Time and again, Evra makes scathing verbal attack on Arsenal. Recently he said in a press conference that a match between Arsenal and Manure is like a match between kids and men. Uncalled-for statement indeed, and if by “men” he meant the characteristic and mentality of Manure players and fans, then I do not EVER want our Gunners “kids” growing up to become men. Please don’t be like them. Remain kids for eternity. Hoooaaa.

Now on to the match.

Match screening Venue: Elphinstone, Lower Parel, organized by the OFFICIAL Mumbai Arsenal Supporters Club (AMSC), an officially recognized Arsenal Fan Club.

Reached Elphinstone station two hours early so I wasted a couple of minutes at a nice watering hole called Rajesh Bar.

Finally walked to the venue and the moderators were all there outside the grandiose Hotel, dressed in full Arsenal attire, standing like mean bouncers in a night club They all had that intense look in their eyes, as if they were ready to slaughter anybody wearing a Manure jersey. Lolz.

Met a lot of people and introductions followed, but as it is with these social gatherings, you really cannot remember all the names that are suddenly bombarded into your head in a span of few seconds, so I will just mention Sourabh, who is the moderator in charge of all the Gooners staying in Andheri locality. A big thanks to him and all our moderators for organizing the amazing screening. You guys rock!

Unfortunately, Saturday being the 7th day of Ganesh Chaturthi (Ganesh nimajjan), many people couldn’t come for the screening. Otherwise the usual attendance for this kinda match screening is around 70-100 hardcore Gooners.

The screen was around 15 feet high, excellent sound system, and the ambience of the place was truly… classy. The food was only veg, but scrumptious nonetheless. No alcohol, but who needs them when you can get a high just talking nonstop about football with the others and cheering and jeering in unison. The experience was heavenly.

The Match.

Yeah I know. It was a big disappointment for all Gooners out there. Crazy.

I am surprised Manure still plays with 15 people even after all this time. It’s difficult to beat then when they always have the officials on their side. TV Pundits and other reporters even claim Saturday’s match as one of the worst refereeing displays they’ve seen. My Liverpool and Chelsea friends too conveyed their genuine sympathies because we definitely dominated the game. Any football fan would find the umpiring decisions harsh.

One wonders where a bulk of Manure’s money go to apart from transfer fees and salaries, and one look at the way the match was umpired and you’ll know where. Wankers.

Two clear penalties were not awarded to Arsenal in a span of 1 minute, and yet when Rooney went down EVEN before the contact and HAD NO POSSIBLE chance of controlling the ball had he not gone down, Manure immediately got what they wanted!

Videos via Arsenalist:



Ok fine, I’m not going to whine about it. Almunia did commit the mistake of making a contact with Rooney or making it look like he made a contact, so many refs fall for this trick. But how can you call that a penalty and not this????



I guess it’s because we’re talking about Manure. Previous home of the infamous twinkle toes Ronaldo who learnt and mastered the art of diving there. They probably have it as a part of their training session, or selection criteria.

If Manure players dive, it’s called art. A part of football, they claim. It’s a trademark play of Manure, like how “one-touch play” is a trademark of Arsenal. Something that you can expect only from MANCHEATERS. But if Arsenal players dive? TWO MATCH BAN! Yeah yeah, that’s what happened to us. How about all the times Manure players and others shamelessly dive? Then it’s called football. Wow. See the witch-hunt I’m talking about? Only Gunners get singled out for everything because we’re the biggest threat to Manure.

But you know what’s great about such unfair biased treatments? It unites us Gooners further. I will not rest until every blood is drained from my body talking about how much I despise that detestable puss infested plague called Manure.

The humiliation of Arsene Wenger.

Forget the match. Fine, there were unfair decisions and we lost.

But do Manure fans stop at that? No. The whole stadium erupted in unison of chants and jeers “Sit down you paedophile, sit down you paedophile”!!!

Of course the media and TV coverage steered away from such horrendous acts. We in India never got to hear about it on our TV. But my friend M who’s a Liverpool fan and was watching the match LIVE at Old Trafford told me how disgusted he was with the way Manure fans behaved. It seemed the entire stadium shouted “Paedophile” at Wenger.

The tweets of Arseblog and Gunnerblog proved that my friend was right.

Here is Gunnerblog's tweet:

“If we're going to 'clean up football', can we start with the "Sit Down You Paedophile" chants? A disgrace.”

And here is Arseblog's tweet:

“Also, Dean a disgrace for sending Wenger off to stand in front of fans who were singing songs about him being a paedophile.”

Another Arseblog’s tweet:

“And the media silence over that song is fucking shameful. Every single time it's sung and nobody says a word. Fuck them.”

The referee Mike Dean, probably heard all those chants and further twisted the dagger that was stabbed to Wenger’s dignity - He sent him to the stands, to be with those people calling him a paedophile.

Alex Furgusson was grinning on the other side.

And so our most respected and esteemed manager had to face one of the most humiliating moments of his life. Money well spent eh?

And why do all Manure fans call Wenger a Paedophile? Because of the simple reason that he believes in young players. He trains them well from youth, helping them discover their potential, unlike Manure who buys expensive players and gloats on that. It all depends on how much money you have. Prostitution works the same way by the way.

The definition of paedophile is an adult who is attracted to children. By children I am talking about 6 yrs olds etc. The youth of Arsenal are well above the legal age of consent. Yet Manure fans call him that because their intellectual capability cannot grasp anything related to logic or reason. After all, they do support Manure, don’t they? Dumb fucks.

Here is what Arseblogger had to say about this:

Where the fuck is the media coverage of them singing that song?

Remember when Ferguson was accused of rape in South Africa some years ago. It was a false and horrible accusation against him. Yet if Arsenal fans, in one voice, sang about him being a rapist don't you think we'd hear something about it in the press, from the FA? Wouldn't we be condemned, and rightly so? So why the silence over United's fans?

That the media continuously overlooks and blatantly ignores is a shame on them and Mike Dean is a fucking cunt for subjecting Wenger to that treatment when it was clearly not necessary.

Here’s what Arsenaladdict said about the treatment on Wenger:

The League Managers Association has already come out apologising to Arsene Wenger about his red card yesterday, showing at least someone in a position of authority hasn't shown a complete anti-Arsenal bias lost all sense of sporting perspective.

Last but not the least, goonblog mentioned that Wenger won’t be punished for that unfair sending off and commented about the paedophile chants:

Now onto the abuse Wenger gets at Old Trafford every single year, surprisingly he doesn’t hear it at our biggest rivals, Spurs or Chelsea, its only ever heard at Old Trafford. It just sums up the disgraceful supporters they have, the chanting could so easily be punished but its always swept under the carpet. The United fans hit the roof whenever something slightly risqué is chanted about them but they have no qualms in calling a man a pedophile just because of his appearance. Its down right disgraceful. Its not on par with racist chanting but its not far away. We are lucky that he is such a graceful man in situations like that and doesn’t lose his cool.

Indeed, our man is graceful, the way he took all those abuses going on right behind him. The more reasons why I admire him. There are still many Manure blogs out there talking about that incident and still mentioning what a big paedophile he is. Lolz. The level these people stoop to is sometimes quite entertaining. After all, that’s all they can do.

Will the FA penalize Manure? No bloody way, the same way Rooney’s dive will not lead to any investigations. Yet in times of such harsh treatments, our players still manage to live up to most of our expectations. A blood stained trophy or a flawless integrity? Although the former sounds enticing, it is the latter that makes us what we are – real men.

Arsenal for life. Hail the mighty Gunners!

Chp 259. MM: Liv Kristine - Venus & Elegy.

Happy Music Monday everyone. Hope you had an amazing weekend and spent the entire Saturday or Sunday nursing a hangover. Lolz. And if the DJ climbs over the console and grabs a bottle of tequila screaming “Free drinks on the houuuuuuse” and pours it into whoever opens their mouth, I am never going to fall for that one again!

For this week’s Monday Music, I would like to honor my first crush in symphonic gothic metal, and the lady who got me interested in this genre in the first place.

Ladies and gentlemen – Liv Kristine!



Around the summer of ’98 – ’99, I was still listening to mainly glam rock and speed metal. And then my friend OPie came along and introduced me to Theatre of Tragedy. There was no looking back since then. Liv Kristine was the vocalist of Theatre of Tragedy, and it was more of a doom/death metal band with symphonic element – A definite “love at first sound” for me.

Many people still think Nightwish are the pioneer of symphonic goth metal with a female soprano voice (aka Tarja Turunen’s legacy). Nopsie. Nightwish was formed in ’96. ToT was formed way back in ’93.

Theatre of Tragedy, along with Atrocity, is the first gothic metal band to play at the Wave Gotik Treffen in Leipzig, Germany. With their appearance they open the doors to dozens of other gothic acts to the most important festival of the scene.

But their first album (ToT – 1995) fails in the view of most press issues: Although German Break Out-Magazine calls them “Newcomer of the Month”, most of the other media do not exactly know how to “handle” this new combination of female vocals and harsh metal riffs. But it turns out to be exactly what the audience had been waiting for: within a short time the album sells the sensational number of 25.000 copies, which has tripled its numbers until today.

My favorite song by Theatre of Tragedy - “Venus”. I loveeee this song.



The lyrics are a mixture of Latin and Old English. Romantic tragedy at its darkest and most passionate, especially with the “beauty and the beast” kinda epilogue exchange between the two vocalists.

Circa mea pectora multa sunt suspiria
De tua pulchritudine, que me ledunt misere.

Venus! - I trow'd thou wast my friend -
Professed to Heaven thou wouldst send;
As a disciple of a villain
Didst thou act the tragedienne.

Translation:

Down inside this soul of mine a heavy sigh consumes me.
The yearning for your beauty strikes me wretchedly.

Venus! - I trusted you were my friend -
Swore upon the Heavens you wouldn't come
as a disciple of a villain
Why did you act the role of a tragedienne?

Check the rest of the translations here: songmeanings.net



After 10 years with Theatre of Tragedy, Liv was fired from the band in 2003, due to “musical differences which could not be bridged” but she had already formed her new band called “Leaves’ Eyes” by then. (Why is it so difficult to admit that she was fired because she formed another band? )

My favorite from Leaves’ Eyes is Elegy.

Ps. For the uninitiated, elegy means: “A mournful poem; a lament for the dead.”

The style is more atmospheric in nature, as compared to her previous musical style in ToT. This song is also my “most listened track” in my last.fm profile. You HAVE to listen to this song, my dear friends. It is PURE HEAVEN!!!



Teardrop on a fragile eyelash
She's looking like a dream
Hoping for some understanding
An answer or at least
A calming word a single sentence
To restore her heart
Aching since the day I left her
Crossing lonely seas

Silent tears of a woman
Make a warrior cry
Heaven, I beg you
Please release hopes from fears

This is my elegy
Do you know what I feel?
This is my elegy
Do you believe it's real?
Will I hold you in my arms again?

Well that’s it for me. Happy Music Monday everyone, and hope you enjoy these two songs by Liv Kristine.

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Chp 258. New EPL season, fantastic start!

10 matches played in the first round of English Premier League 2009/2010 and last night’s thriller of Liverpool going down to Tottenham was considered as the biggest upset of opening week.

What crap.

Not that I am a fan of either Spurs or the Reds, but Spurs are a good team too, so Liverpool’s defeat cannot be an upset. I think Bolton losing to Sunderland or Villa losing to Wigan are far bigger upsets than Liverpool losing to Spurs. No offense to Sunderland or Wigan fans.

Manchester City, much hyped during the pre-season… turned out to over-hyped, if they are going to play the rest of their games like the way they played against Blackburn on Saturday. 95 million pounds (110 million euros, 157 million dollars) they spent on new players. Enough to feed a couple of third world countries.

With new ammunitions like former gunners Ade and Toure, Manure Tevez, Blackburn's Roque Santa Cruz and Villa’s Gareth Barry, not to forget Robinho and the others, it finally took Stephen Ireland, an “original” City player, to score one of the best goals of his career, deep into injury time, to give City a 2-0 win. For the other 90 minutes before that, City were barely hanging on to the 1-0 lead Ade presented them in the 3rd minute.

Chelsea too barely managed to come out victorious against Hull, thanks to Drogba’s twin strikes after going down first. 2-1 was the final scoreline.

Manure, still the number one team I detest the most even with Mister “fall guy” twinkle toes now gone for a ridiculous 80 mil pounds, ended with a 1-0 after 90+ minutes. Lucky wankers. Blistering Barnacles.

But with Ronaldo no longer playing for Manure, many of my Manure friends are happy. “Now all these people who have no passion for football will stop supporting Manure and move on to Real Madrid. Manure will now be once again be supported by true football fans,” they said. I must say I agree with them. And this is the first time I am agreeing with my Manure pals. But still, screw you guys

Meanwhile, Arsenal has been dubbed as “most likely to end up fourth” this season by the so called Football pundits due to the departure of Ade and Toure, and how the English Premier League no longer has “The Big Four” but now has “The Big Five” or even “The Big Six”. Well, remember some of the pundits said Arsenal may not even make it to the top 10 last season or the one before that, and we were leading the table most of the time, until we faltered towards the end?

I guess the pundits will soon be eating their words again. Arsenal was the only team who came out with a result of more than 2 goal difference victory in the first two days of the new EPL season. 6 freaking 1 was the final score. Arsenal completely disseminated Everton. It was a joke, the way The Toffees played.

Vermaelen, you rock! Wenger, great choice (as usual). The former Ajax player not only made his presence felt in the defense line, but scored an astonishing unmarked header. And I know old man Gallas screws up sometimes, but now that there is an additional fire power in the defense line, he sizzled. Everybody rocked. Wenger rocked. The 6 goals rocked. 4-3-2-1 formation rocked! Well done my gunners!

Here are the final scores of the first round of EPL 2009/2010 season. Arsenal is of course leading the pack with the way way superior goal difference, and believe me, this is how the table is going to look like for the rest of the season. Glory days are back, my fellow gunners.

Arsenal 6 – Everton 1

Man City 2 - Blackburn 0
Wigan 2 – Aston Villa 0
Stoke 2 – Burnley 0
West Ham 2 – Wolves 0

Chelsea 2 – Hull 1
Spurs 2 – Liverpool 1

Sunderland 1 – Bolton 0
Fulham 1 – Portsmouth 0
Manure 1 – Birmingham 0


Meanwhile, in local football news, I bought new studs on Friday and played my first football match in more than 8 years. Mizo youth settling in Mumbai versus Mizos settling in Navi Mumbai. It was a matter of prestige for us Mizos in Mumbai to win it for Mumbai. Mumbai meri jaan. Screw the Navi Mumbaiites.

But unfortunately… we lost. The final score was 3-2.

Blogger VaiVa was our goalkeeper initially, but when the ball bounced merely 1 feet high and ended up bouncing over him, we started having our doubts – is he the right person for the job? And then came the second goal. A ball that was rolling slowly towards him, went past him! Later he claimed that the ball changed directions 4 times before it went inside the goal.

Yes I know what you’re thinking. The guy who kicked that ball should definitely enter the Guinness Book of World Records for defying every postulate and theory on Physics ever written. It could be called a banana kick if the banana looked something like this!



Later, VaiVa said that in addition to the ball changing directions four times, the sun got in his eyes. Wow. The ball was rolling. And the sun got in his eyes. How short do you have to be, for the sun to get in your eyes when the ball is rolling? Errrr… no comments

3-0 down in the first half, I was ordered to be the goal keeper in the second half. Managed to save a couple of goals and our strikers scored 2 in the second half, but that wasn’t enough. Final score 3-2. Damn.

It was my first time travelling to Navi Mumbai and even though we lost, the bridge and other scenic beauty in Navi Mumbai definitely made it worthwhile travelling there.

[Pictures will be uploaded later today]

Looking forward to a volleyball or basketball match against them Navi Mumbaiites. We have to return the ass kicking session we faced, all thanks to our VaiVa, not that I am blaming you, or am I?




I’ll end this post with a few golden quotes by arseblog regarding the match between Arsenal and Everton:

• A truly fantastic performance against a very good team. Don't let anyone tell you it just was down to Everton being bad. Everton were bad because we made them look bad.
  
  
• And there was still time for more. Andrei Arshavin's toe-poke hit the post but master poacher Eduardo scored on his first Premier League appearance since having his leg shattered by that almighty cunt Martin Taylor.
  
  
• And because we felt a little bit sorry for Everton and the 12 fans that remained in Goodison Park we let them score one. A clean sheet would have been nice but I'll concede every single week if we get 6 up the other end.
  
  
• Scoring 6 at Goodison Park is no mean feat, it's a statement of intent for the season ahead and I'm absolutely delighted. It's brilliant preparation for the big game on Tuesday too.
  
  
• I could go around the other news this morning but what's the point? Is anybody interested in anything Cashmaneul Moneybayor says about Cesc? No they are not because he is a big stupid cunt who is about as interesting as watching toe-nails grow.

Cheers!